Baseball. The national pastime. Even if you don’t like sports, the culture has perpetuated modern society and become an everyday happenstance. Even now, days before the Super Bowl, baseball still holds the number one spot for sports in our hearts. Rules, terminology, legendary players and notable achievements have seeped into daily life and ingrained themselves into part of our American heritage.
This week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother reinforces America’s love of the game. Temporarily abandoning the flashback motif of Future Narrator Ted recalling the events of his life, Barney takes control of the narrative, driving this week’s episode via a fake post-game interview with an imaginary version of CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz. Letting another character assume the lead position is not new to the sitcom world; several episodes of Scrubs followed a similar pattern. It’s an odd shift in rhetoric, but clearly not permanent and certainly not unforgivable. Also, if any supporting character deserved such an honor, it rightfully should be Barney.
As a longtime and faithful employee of a shady conglomerate, Barney has prided himself on his job, power, and prestige. But after screwing up a potential merger, his dedication is challenged by his bosses. Nervous about potentially being fired, Barney escapes into a fantasy realm where he is heroically lauded for his other passion: bedding women. Playing up his typical bravado, Barney boasts to an imaginary Jim Nantz the true story of his phenomenal Perfect Week. In the sport of “sleeping with random hotties,” Barney considers himself a living legend, but the Perfect Week has always eluded him. That is, until this week, where it has become his finest accomplishment.
The Perfect Week, the coital but much rarer companion to baseball’s perfect game, involves Barney scoring on seven consecutive nights without once striking out. Night one through three go off without a hitch, but such is the norm for Barney. Realizing he may be able to pull the Perfect Week off, he decides to go for it, despite past failures. Even as an expert in his field, previous attempts have gone awry; anytime Barney nears the milestone he chokes and ruins his chances for success. Such examples include “teammates making an error” (Ted spills drinks on Barney’s chosen mark), “a wild pitch” (Barney suggesting intercourse in a bodega, causing his mark to walk away in disgust), and “simply losing focus, resulting in a hit” (Barney ignoring a shapely lass for an even shapelier lass walking by, earning himself a slap in the face).
While night four was a success, complications began arising during night five. As co-worker Marshall spills the beans to his friends about Barney’s bumbling of the merger, the remainder of the cast is troubled on the proper course of action. While Lily, the sensitive matron of the group, believes Barney needs sympathy, Marshall and Ted understand the best thing for Barney is solid focus on achieving the Perfect Week. More baseball puns arise as Ted helps Barney find his next conquest. Shaking off “the heater” (a girl trying to warm her hands near the radiator) and “the high and outside” (a girl visible outside the window with braids and tie-dye, surrounded by smoke), Barney eventually settles for “the slider” (a girl eating a plate of small hamburgers).
As Marshall, Lily, Ted and Robin argue over proper procedure for handling Barney, they aim at each others’ weak spots. After a particularly horrendous date, Robin is mystified why a lazy-eyed dork in horn-rimmed glasses with a passion for The Smurfs is seemingly rejecting her. Marshall and Lily
face public scorn after their ‘close as a couple can be’ mentality crosses the line, revealing they share a single toothbrush. Ted is dealing with shame after mistaking an Asian girl’s name on his attendance list for a pseudonym of the “Seymour Butts” variety, and is remorsefully trying to get the unfortunately named “Cook Pu” to forgive him. Arguing amongst themselves, the quartet don’t even acknowledge Barney’s departure.
After a successful afternoon at a Staten Island Chili’s with a drunk hairdresser, Barney proclaims he is six for six. Rewarding himself with post-sex ice cream from Ted’s freezer, Lily confronts Barney head-on, forcing him to acknowledge meaningless sex as a distraction from his serious life issues. Barney affirms the sex is not meaningless; Ted, Marshall and Robin agree, urging Barney to soldier on and complete the Perfect We-…
As any casual sports fan or simply superstitious sort can affirm, when someone is on a hot streak, you never mention it aloud. Sick and tired of the baseball allegory, Lily curses and jinxes the unmovable Barney and his Perfect Week in a fit of rage, lambasting her friends, telling them to grow up. As night seven approaches, a shaken Barney enters MacLaren’s Pub, trying to forget Lily’s cold behavior and achieve his much coveted prize. The tension is so high, Lily relapses and cheers Barney on as he selects a buxom blonde on her third martini as his seventh conquest. Lily confidently assures, despite her disapproval of Barney’s actions, there are no such thing as jin-…
As any television fan can affirm, if a TV character says ‘things can’t possibly get any worse,’ they will immediately get worse. If a character is stranded outside and says ‘at least it’s not raining,’ it will suddenly start to rain. And now, as soon as the words “There’s no such thing as jinxes” escape Lily’s mouth, a jinx will go into full force. Barney’s surefire hookup is challenged by the one thing assured to ruin it. Fitting with tonight’s baseball themed episode, it was a cameo by 2009 World Champion New York Yankee Nick Swisher.
Despite my personal bias of rooting for the Phillies in the 2009 World Series, seeing the world-class athlete presented as the kryptonite to Barney’s wiles was a hilarious addition to this week’s episode. Because Barney already selected his target, he is faced with an inescapable finale; no one can top the omnipresent charm of a New York Yankee. Barney begrudgingly gives up and bemoans wasting an entire week on a fruitless pursuit.
Seeking to alleviate his downtrodden friend, Marshall offers words of encouragement. Sports, like all entertainment, take people’s minds off their troubles, even if only for a few moments. In addition, seeing someone else victorious makes everyone watching feel victorious. Barney’s pursuit of a Perfect Week has successfully distracted the others from their own horrible weeks; Ted from the shame of a student to dropping class, Robin from the ignominy of not having a date call her back, Marshall from the shame of his poor dental hygiene practices. If only they could all share a victory.
In an attempt to apologize to Barney and salvage the Perfect Week, Lily makes a running dive to intercept and deviate the blonde girl away from Swisher. Perhaps the Perfect Week can be saved; not just for Barney, but for everyone. As Marshall looks on in amazement at his wife’s genius plan, he stunningly acknowledges that maybe there are no such thing as jin-…
With Marshall’s slip of the tongue rendering Lily’s diving leap all for naught, Robin and Ted move in on the Yankee. Robin feigns a knowledge of baseball to impress/distract Swisher from the blonde woman (“Mookie Wilson… Is that a thing?”). While it miraculously appears to work, Swisher soon turns the subject to his one true passion: Hockey. As a disturbingly devoted fan of the Canucks, Robin successfully distracts Swisher long enough for Barney to move in and cement the blonde girl as his own. Ushering number seven out of the bar, Barney and his friends cheer. The Perfect Week has been achieved!
Unfortunately, Sports as a distraction can only suffice for so long. As Barney finishes telling his adventure to the figment Jim Nantz, the lingering subject of Barney’s possible termination reappears. Ending his one-on-one with the imaginary sportscaster, Barney is brought before his bosses. He learns, after much debate, his job is still secure. Alleviated by the good news, one of Barney’s bosses inquires how taxing the past week has been on him. Barney’s response? “I’ve barely slept.”
As the cast exchange cries of celebration not only for Barney’s perfect week but continued employment, much celebration is had. Marshall passes out commemorative ball caps reading “Seven Up, Seven Down.” Lily officially retires Barney’s necktie, hanging it in memory on the walls of MacLaren’s Pub. Ted sarcastically proclaims that he will tell his future kids the story of how Uncle Barney banged seven girls in a row.
Smash cut to Future Narrator Ted telling his kids the story of how Uncle Barney banged seven girls in a row, asking afterward “…Am I a bad dad?”
While some consider puns to be the lowest form of humor, tonight, they worked. The sheer plethora and dedication to the baseball motif and its accompanying lexicon was nothing short of hilarious and engaging. Jim Nantz and Nick Swisher, while not professional actors, much less comedians, were great guest stars, and funny to boot. All in all, tonight’s episode was very entertaining, and it is taking every bit of integrity I have to not call it “a home run.”
