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Barney Stinson is the epitome of awesome. What he does on a regular basis is never short of outlandish, ridiculous, and purely hedonistic. Because of this, America loves him. It should be no surprise that Neil Patrick Harris starring as Barney Stinson in a commercial bumper at Super Bowl XLIV seemed perfectly appropriate. Unlike Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory supposedly hacking into CBS’s telefeed, Barney Stinson appearing at the Super Bowl was totally plausible, totally within character, and totally entertaining. It didn’t even seem like an advertisement; they didn’t even mention How I Met Your Mother by name. To anyone unfamiliar with Barney or his show, it was simply a football loving Don Juan aping for the camera.

For the benefit of anyone who missed Barney’s appearance at the Super Bowl due to an emergency bathroom break, Mr. Stinson was among the throng of in-house football fans. The only suit among a mass of Colts and Saints t-shirts and jerseys, Barney hoisted a sign for CBS: Call Barney Stinson. Below, a ten-digit phone number. The announcers, in on the joke, inquired “Do you think that’s his real phone number?” Considering I’ve never seen a ten-digit personal phone number beginning with one, the answer should quite obviously be ‘no’.

The phone number was another fantastic example of CBS and How I Met Your Mother‘s incessant viral marketing campaign. For anyone too nervous to actually dial the number, a recording is available here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SETy6IMYmwk

And that is how this week’s How I Met Your Mother begins. Ted and friends watch the Super Bowl by tradition, save for an absent Barney. The quartet look on in befuddlement as Barney smirkingly hoists his poster-board personal ad. Robin, unfazed, declares dibs on Barney’s uneaten buffalo wings. Normally, seeing one of your best friends on TV, especially at the Super Bowl, would be cause for celebration. But for Barney Stinson, it’s just another day.

It should be noted, Barney’s phone number shown during the Super Bowl (1-877-987-6401) differs from the one shown canonically during tonight’s episode. Featuring the standard television 555 prefix, the phone number featured during the episode is clearly a fake. Apparently, CBS correctly anticipated the Super Bowl ad’s popularity; the five second spot resulted in a bounty of busy signals, and an addition to the swarm was felt unwise and unnecessary. In addition, once the episode is released for syndication and on DVD, CBS will not be obligated to keep the phone line operational.

After the big game, Barney greets his friends at MacLaren’s Pub, smiling in jubilation. In Barney’s eyes, it was not the Saints who won the Super Bowl, it was himself. In reward of his risky stunt, Barney’s cell phone has become a magic phone: always ringing, always with hot chicks on the other end. Barney has achieved his dream of having an infinite number of women at his disposal. Eager to please as many ladies as possible, Barney hires close friend and HIMYM regular Ranjit as a personal chauffeur, freeing him from quickly accruing cab fares and the less-said-the-better subways.

But this is a sitcom. Surely, Barney’s cellular speed dating queue will be full of horrendously ugly women, crazy women, geriatric women, not-at-all-convincing transvestites posing as women, and other comically unpleasing members of the fairer sex, right? The quality of girl who would call a random hook-up number aired during the Super Bowl would have to be unimaginably atrocious, right?

Not for Barney Stinson and his magic phone. Against all odds, Barney wines, dines, and romances a neverending cavalcade of increasingly desirable bombshells, each one introduced by an MIDI ringtone of Turkey in the Straw. Barney attempts to stampede through every date as quickly as possible, but ultimately rejects every candidate, superseding them with the next, exponentially more desirable caller. He can’t hook up with a hot girl if there’s an even hotter girl waiting in the wings. Eventually, Barney realizes his magic phone has become King Midas’ curse. He finally has all the hot girls he could ever want, and the plethora is destroying him.

Dismayed at Barney’s success with women without trying, Ted bemoans the entire world of dating. According to Ted, he is always great with women, but can never pick the right girl. In a Hail Mary, he asks Lily and Marshall to take all the headaches away and arrange his marriage. Ted vows to propose to whomever Lily and Marshall choose for Ted on Valentine’s Day. After all, who better than Lily and Marshall to find a perfect spouse; they found each other! Although, admittedly, Wesleyan housing and a copious amount of liquor at a freshman mixer helped.

Robin, meanwhile, finds herself at the mercy of coworker Don, who several months after his introduction still refuses to wear pants at work. Robin makes no attempt to hide her frustration and anger towards him. The seething hatred culminates when Don spontaneously asks about Robin’s plans for Valentine’s Day. In a chiding manner, Robin scoffs at the romantic invitation, telling the story in jest to her friends at MacLaren’s. Except, no matter which way she tries to spin it, one crucial detail lingers: Don never actually asked Robin out, he just invited her to a party as a coworker.

Because Robin interpreted the friendly invitation as a romantic pick-up, Marshall theorizes Robin may have latent feelings for Don. Using psuedo-psychological mumbo-jumbo, Marshall explains that the parts of the brain which control the feelings of love and hate are located right next to each other, and the signals often get crossed. Ted further illustrates the point with this image: http://tinyurl.com/yh7u288 . According to Ted, you can look at the picture for hours and only see a rabbit, but at any moment, you could spontaneously see a duck instead. Likewise, some duck you love could spontaneously turn into a rabbit you hate, and some rabbit you hate could spontaneously turn into a duck you love.

As Valentine’s Day arrives, the three plotlines go their own ways. First, Marshall and Lily forget to find Ted his bride-to-be and resort to asking every girl in range if they’d be interested in marriage. The two eventually settle on an Eastern-European woman in need of a Green Card. Robin reluctantly attends Don’s party, only to find Don alone, naked in his living room, attempting The Naked Man (a callback to episode 73) on Robin. Don, the potential duck, was now a full-fledged rabbit in Robin’s eyes. As for Barney, he has been driven insane, haunted by his Turkey in the Straw ringtone, and his own indecisive, insatiable nature. Knowing the endless line of women is destroying him, he begs Lily to hide his phone.

The phone’s infinite possibilities provided the climax. Marshall and Lily, unable to find a woman for Ted, select one of Barney’s callers as Ted’s Valentine’s Day date. Afterwards, Lily hides the phone in Ted’s apartment. When an electronic rendition of Turkey in the Straw mysteriously begins playing in his apartment, Ted finds the phone, and claims it for himself. Realizing he now has Barney’s magical prowess at his fingertips, Ted channels his inner Stinson, blows off his arranged date, and begins seducing women at MacLaren’s under the name “Westside Teddy.” Barney, upset Ted has stolen his thunder, attempts to steal the phone back, along with Ted’s cool new nickname. Tired of all the nonsense, Lily drowns the phone in a half-full pitcher of beer, ending the madness permanently.

Each dejected, Ted and Robin adjourn to their apartment for the evening. According to them, you don’t need true love to enjoy Valentine’s Day. You can get by just fine with a good friend to sit on the couch and drink beer with.

In the epilogue, Robin returns to work to find a penitent Don, apologizing for his behavior the previous night and the previous months. Embarrassed by his behavior, Don explains he was divorced three months ago and has had difficulty coping. He swears, from this point on, he’ll take both Robin and his job completely seriously. He’s even wearing pants. Perhaps Robin’s rabbit is a duck after all.

Tonight’s episode had great potential. Barney had another legend-wait-for-it-dary scheme, Marshall led the group in a hilariously over-the-top argument over whether ducks or rabbits are better animals, and the inexplicably satisfying character of Ranjit is always a welcome addition. But for some reason, the parts didn’t really mesh. The plotlines all went in different directions, the pacing was slow, the “Westside Teddy” joke was built up without an adequate payoff, and the show’s message of ‘It’s okay to be single’ is completely undercut by the final scene. In addition, Ted’s declarative statement that he wants an arranged marriage, an absurd request made in total seriousness, seemed very forced. Even by sitcom standards. But don’t take my opinions too seriously; I’m just seeing rabbits.