The Amazing Race. Its name alone incites images of a grandiose adventure. It’s not just An Amazing Race, it’s The Amazing Race. A name that drives home the necessity of commitment and tenacity like a big-league slugger pumped full of steroids. The Race isn’t easy, and it is not for everyone. If you have difficulty running for long periods of time, the race is not for you. If you cannot handle yourself under pressure, the race is not for you. If you have an irrational phobia of an everyday circumstance, such as water or heights, the race is not for you. You either bring your A-game, or you stay home like the rest of us and yell at the TV.
Tonight’s episode began in Dubai, UAE. A city so massive, metropolitan and modern, if you listen closely, you can actually hear The Lorax weeping in the distance. Seven of the twelve teams still remain, each eager to claim the one million dollar grand prize as their own. Dating couple Meghan and Cheyne from San Diego, California, who will be henceforth known as “Malibu Ken and Barbie,” were the first team to depart, their reward for finishing first on the previous episode. Their first objective was to carry a locked briefcase to the Dubai Creek Golf & Yacht Club, then search the marina for The Roadblock; a challenge that can only be completed by one team member.
Tonight’s roadblock consisted of rowing an inflatable dinghy to a nearby yacht, floating mockingly nearby in the pristine Persian Gulf. Hot on Malibu Ken and Barbie’s heels were Brian & Ericka, a married couple from Nashville, Tennessee who have dubbed themselves “Team Zebra,” and Herbert and Nathanial, better known as “Flight Time and Big Easy,” a pair of Harlem Globetrotters who have decided to put their team’s moniker to the test.
Aboard the yacht, a trio of sheiks gifted the teammates with a Rolex watch. Host and narrator Phil Keoghan claims this is a display in the tradition of hospitality, regardless how much it seems to resemble bragging about national wealth. Upon receiving the watches, teams needed to recognize the time displayed on the stopped watch face as the correct combination to their briefcases, a riddle everyone solved immediately. Everyone, except the Globetrotters, whose misstep allowed fourth place father and son Gary and Matt from Montana (as well as every other team) to encroach on the professional athletes.
After the seven teams rowed, rowed, rowed their boat laughably down the gulf, and all but one of the briefcases has been opened, the Detour Challenge began. The detour, which forces the competitors to choose between two differing tasks, took place in an unassuming marketplace. Tonight’s detour involved two items integral to Arabic society; glass and gold. The first was to measure exactly $500,000 from a pile of gold bullion, battling the constantly fluctuating gold exchange rate and a surprisingly relaxed store security guard. The second was to crack open a wooden crate and assemble a slew of ornate glass and metal pieces inside into twelve hookah pipes. Since discrete mathematics is a difficult task for reality TV competitors, the majority of teams opted for the hookahs. By their logic, engineering outdoors in temperatures near 130 degrees is much simpler than long division.
After being passed by the remaining teams (Nashville couple Mika and Canaan, Californian friends Maria and Tiffany, and Missouri brothers Sam and Dan), The Globetrotters finally learned the secrets involved in telling time, and dashed off to rejoin the other groups. Seemingly simultaneously, Malibu Ken and Barbie assembled their pipes and were off to the final mission of the leg: ride The Leap of Faith, an intimidating six-story waterslide at Dubai’s Atlantis beachfront resort hotel and water park.
As mentioned earlier, fear is a bulky, awkward item, and is best left at home when attempting to conquer The Amazing Race. While Malibu Ken and Barbie were initially tense about the near-90 degree drop into a chlorinated receiving pool, the duo shrugged off the intimidating drop, and garnered a first place finish.
Sam and Dan and Maria and Tiffany took advantage of the detour’s deceptive difficulty curves. While other teams labored in the hot sun, the air-conditioned interior of the jewelry shop was comforting. So comforting, the two teams almost didn’t mind the algebra. Of course, the calculator Sam brought along was also a contributing factor. More coveted than any of the gold pieces in the store, the two teams partnered up, finished the task with ease, slid down the slide with no hesitation, and finished in second and third place.
Over at Dubai’s least-efficient Hookah assembly plant, Team Zebra and Gary and Matt finally attached the final little details that had been preventing them from completion of the Detour. When the anal-retentive judge finally allowed the teams to progress, it was Team Zebra who shook off their fears first and finished in fourth. Close behind were Gary and Matt, who reluctantly celebrated their fifth-place finish.
The Globetrotters, skeptical of the other teams’ slow progression with the water pipes, opted for the gold challenge. While the towering twosome began their short-lived stints in accountancy, Mika and Canaan pieced together all twelve of their hookahs, giving them the advantage. The only thing separating the happy couple from next week’s global adventure was a ten second plunge into a swimming pool.
Mika, for whatever reasons, decided a pair of pool floaties should be included among her essential items needed throughout the race. Perhaps she brought them as a joke. Perhaps they were an aquatic equivalent of a security blanket. Perhaps she didn’t understand physics and genuinely believed two inflatable armbands were capable of keeping a grown woman buoyant. One thing is certain, though. If a person is so close to the finish line, they can see the race official’s beard stubble, stopping to inflate pool toys is an exercise in procrastination.
Mika’s acrophobia was a recurring theme this season. In a previous episode, the teams were forced to retrieve a clue from the skydeck of the world’s tallest building (The Burj Dubai). Mika was in tears, despite temporary construction scaffoldings preventing anyone on the skydeck to see anything besides the building interior. While Canaan coaxed, ushered, pleaded, and even repeatedly attempted to force Mika down the slippery slope, the southern belle refused to budge, offering her profound opinion, “This challenge is stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
After an indefinite amount of time, Team Globetrotter finished their Detour task. All the while, the catatonic Mika kept het head between her knees as the Globetrotters effectively closed the gap between the two teams. After a last ditch effort by Canaan to urge his girlfriend down, (amidst Big Easy’s classless, derisive calls of “don’t do it… It’s high. It’s a long way up here”), the Globetrotters effortlessly bested the slide, scooping up a sixth-place finish, and eliminating Mika and Canaan from the competition.
Fear and floaties have no place on The Amazing Race. Leave them at home, and instead bring a calculator. At any point, skill, luck, strength, and intelligence will take precedent. And be forewarned, regardless of any combination of the above, you may be asked to tell time.
