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Tonight on The Amazing Race, the twelve remaining racers departed from the sweltering desert heat of Dubai for the chilly Atlantic winds of The Netherlands. All six teams departed, rushing to the airport like extras in a Godzilla movie before being brought to a screeching halt at the local airport, as the direct flights between Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam were fewer than anticipated. But soon, after eleven hours of waiting, the six teams were off to the nation stereotypically renowned for pickled herring, wooden shoes, and bicycles. But surely, none of these would actually appear on a show so centered on global culture and understanding.

After departing Amsterdam by car for the lesser-known city of Groningen, the teams faced their first challenge: counting the number of bells in Martini Tower, an iconic cathedral. This is the kind of excitement only possible from a seven-time Emmy Award-winning series.

The first five teams to arrive quickly counted the correct total (62), thus completing the Road Block, and continued onwards to the next task. For team six, Brian and Ericka, the game was much more complicated. The married team was already psychologically hindered after falling into last place (Brian had difficulty starting their car at the airport), so a slow, repetitive task requiring concentration and numbers quickly declined toward depression and grief.

The five leading teams progressed onwards to the Detour. Tonight’s choice of unpleasantries was based on rural Dutch pastimes; Farmer’s Game, or Farmer’s Dance.

Farmer’s Game was the choice for brothers Sam and Dan, and couple Meghan and Cheynne. The game was described by narrator/host Phil Keoghan as “Farmer’s Golf,” but all similarities were vestigial, at best. The game resembled croquet more than golf. The balls were the size of cantaloupes. The clubs were traditional Dutch clogs on the end of sticks. The game was played by whacking the balls down a bushy fairway to a hole in less than eight strokes. Doing so three times earned a win and passage to this leg’s pit stop. Also, for some reason, the teams were required to swim across a chilly creek to reach the golf course. Apparently, golf is not great drama unless you’re risking pneumonia, but for skills in bell tower accountancy, you are allowed to keep dry.

Farmer’s Dance was the preference for father and son Gary and Matt, friends Maria and Tiffany, and the Harlem Globetrotters, Flight Time and Big Easy. After pointlessly being required to ring a bell with a mallet at a carnival-caliber high striker game, the duos were required to learn and perform a traditional Dutch folk dance in front of a crowd. Upon completion, the team would forcibly be rewarded with a pair of herrings, whose scent could be smelled through the television screen. The mere sight of the fish sent Gary and Matt away to the Farmer’s Game challenge instead.

It should be noted, regardless of task or genders, both teammates were required to don traditional Dutch garb, one male costume and one female. In addition, the two ridiculously-clad foreigners needed to bike to their respective tasks in wooden shoes. I theorize CBS executives wanted to include a task involving tulips, windmills, Van Gogh and a boy with his finger in a dike, but were too pressed for time. It makes one wonder what an alternate universe version of The Amazing Race would look like if Europeans visited America. The contestants would probably have to dress like cowboys or disco dancers, and then ride Segways to Disneyworld. Once there, they would have to play Halo 3 and foosball, then do the Hokey Pokey on a live YouTube feed and wolf down a deep fried Snickers bar and a Luther Burger.

The physically capable Sam and Dan finished their game of pseudo-golf first, and after a second chilling breaststroke back across the creek, the pair garnered a first place finish. For their reward, the brothers won a dune buggy. A perfect gift for residents of Kansas City. Meghan and Cheynne also completed the game almost (but not quite) entirely unlike golf (but with much more complaining), and earned second place. Maria and Tiffany, a pair of petite 20-somethings, had much more difficulty. Initially attempting the Farmer’s Dance, the duo was held up at the high striker, neither one capable of combining leverage with aim to ring the bell. After thirty failed attempts, the girls decided to attempt the Farmer’s Game instead.

Meanwhile, back at the bothersome belfry, Ericka finally counted the number of bells correctly on the fourth (shown) attempt. After a moment of ecstasy at completing the daunting task, the pair pressed onward to their ludicrously garbed future.

As they departed, Team Globetrotter sidled up to the high striker, rang the bell and progressed onwards to one of the most culturally awkward moments in the show’s history. An ensemble of tiny, elderly Dutch women were the Farmer’s Dance instructors, and were clearly intimidated by the staggering size of the Globetrotters. The terrified faces eventually melted away into expressions of humiliation as the international group danced; as the Globetrotters put it, “it was ‘Soul Train’!” Through clenched teeth, the professional athletes tolerated the herrings, and claimed a third place finish.

Brian and Ericka, now on their way to the Farmer’s Dance, erroneously misread their clue. The rules clearly indicated the duo were required to take provided bicycles. Instead the team progressed on foot, unaware of the bicycles, unaware of the distance to the obstacle, and unaware how uncomfortable wooden footwear is. At the same time, Maria and Tiffany failed miserably at shoe-on-a-stick golf, and decided to give the high striker another chance. As all this happened, Gary and Matt finished the golfing challenge and ended in a respectable fourth place.

Despite the stress of being in last place throughout the episode, despite being the only team unable to complete the Road Block on the first attempt, despite being adorned in embarrassing outfits, and despite having to walk several kilometers in wooden clogs, Brian and Ericka reached the Farmer’s Dance. The surprisingly romantic activity rejuvenated the team’s spirits so highly, even a malodorous meal of fish couldn’t bring them down. Borrowing a pair of bicycles from an extremely trusting nearby vacationer, Brian and Ericka progressed to the finish line for a fifth place finish.

At least, in theory. Because the happy couple breached protocol by not taking the provided bicycles, the team could not finish the leg as planned. Instead, they incurred a thirty minute penalty, which needed to be waited out before their completion of the leg. Maria and Tiffany, meanwhile, were again bested by both the high striker and simple physics, and decided to futilely give the Farmer’s Game another shot. Meanwhile, the thirty minute penalty passed unceremoniously, and Brian and Ericka indeed finished fifth. After several more failed attempts at Farmer’s Golf, Maria and Tiffany solemnly resigned from the race rather than face the embarrassment of being unable to accomplish either Detour task, even without knowledge that they were already eliminated.

Brian and Ericka’s sad, sad journey is a moral for all of us. No matter how bad things are going, no matter how unfortunate the circumstances, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, just keep moving forward. You may be surprised by the outcome. If not, as in the case of Maria and Tiffany, take solace that your home country isn’t being made a laughingstock on a foreign reality show.