What goes through your mind when you think of European travel? A secluded café in Paris? A walk on the streets of foggy London? A cold stein in a Berlin beer garden? A romantic boat ride down the Venetian canals? Whatever your exotic fantasy, it fits two criteria; it resembles a Price Is Right showcase, and it involves the western half of the continent.
For whatever reason, the tourist appeal of Europe inexplicably seems to evaporate somewhere within the borders of Austria. Adding to general disinterest, the media depicts this eastern region as destitute, backwards, decrepit, and just plain bleak. Perhaps a backhanded jab towards the Cold War and the areas behind the Iron Curtain, nobody gives Eastern Europe the glory it deserves. Except, of course, for The Amazing Race, which compresses the cultural identities of Estonia and several other nations into brief 44-minute snippets, consisting mostly of airports and taxi interiors. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing.
On tonight’s Amazing Race, the five remaining teams were instructed to depart from Stockholm, Sweden and venture onwards to Tallinn, Estonia, the capital and largest city of the Baltic republic. As reward for their first place finish last week, Flight Time and Big Easy, the enthusiastic gargantuan Harlem Globetrotters, were first to depart at the incredulous hour of 2:23 AM. Tragically, a Baltic-crossing ferry was their only conveyance from Sweden to Estonia, and the sole daily departure time was over fifteen hours later. Oops.
With all semblance of a lead disintegrated and ground into a fine powder, the five teams were simultaneously off to downtown Tallinn. Instructed to locate the Mustpeade Maja, headquarters of The Brotherhood of the Black Heads, teams would find their first challenge, the Roadblock, inside. The Black Heads, as depicted in this episode, are a secret society of Baltic merchants who apparently pretend it is the Middle Ages, dress as such, stage sword fights, and drink lots of beer. Estonians, clearly, are a more interesting ethnicity than anyone gave them credit for.
Before participating in the Roadblock, father/son team Gary and Matt were forced to complete a Speedbump challenge as penance for last week’s last place finish. The challenge was simple: locate the nearest “Saunabuss,” and spend five minutes inside. The Saunabuss was exactly as it sounded; a sauna in bus form. As native Minnesotans, Gary and Matt happily climbed inside the “SOW-na,” and contemplated bringing the innovation back to the United States. All in all, the five-minute steam was a very pleasant punishment. The friendly locals awaiting them inside, including an attractive blonde, helped profusely.
Inside the Mustpeade Maja, one person from each team was instructed to select a candelabra, then find a room in the building corresponding to a number on its base. Once there, teams were rewarded with a scroll covered in invisible ink. Perhaps because Dan Brown and his writings have so thoroughly perpetuated American culture, no team faltered with this aspect of the challenge. Instinctively, all teams held the scrolls above their candles, exposing the hidden message, revealing their next clue…
That is, to say, all the teams except Gary and Matt. Refreshed from the Saunabuss, Gary opted to complete the challenge, but was stymied from the first instruction: “Locate a candelabra.” Searching intently among a group of laughing, drunk Estonians, Gary could not deduce what a candelabra was, much less how to actually pronounce the word (“can-dell-UH-bruh? CAN-dill-ah-bra?”) In a moment of hilarious desperation, he turned to a nearby musician and asked, “Are you a candelabra?”
The other four teams, educated enough to know a candelabra is a fancy word for candlestick, progressed to the Pikk Tower Gardens. Once there, teams met this week’s Detour: Serve or Sling. Set in the boggy marshes of the Estonian countryside, teams had to choose between a game of mud volleyball, or target practice with a slingshot.
While attempting to reach the gardens, competitors’ tempers flared. Taxis were scarce in downtown Tallinn. Married team Brian and Ericka began to squabble after the latter criticized the former’s ability to hail cabs. Brothers Sam and Dan attempted fruitlessly to commandeer an already-in-service cab. In an attempt to pacify the demanding Americans, the driver called his dispatcher to send another taxi to the vicinity. Flight Time and Big Easy, opportunists that they are, saw this new cab approaching and attempted to swipe it for themselves. After a heated debate over who rightfully had claim to the ride, the two teams reluctantly agreed to share the van. Gary and Matt, whose Speed Bump and vocabulary snafu had cost them dearly, brought up the rear. In an effort to reclaim ground, the father/son duo convinced their driver to radio other cabs in the area, urging them to drive slower. A noble and ingenious effort, but all for naught, as cutaways revealed other teams’ taxis receiving the message and promptly ignoring it.
Dating couple Meghan and Cheyne, the headstrong perennial favorites for every leg this season, were the first to arrive at the Detour challenge. The pair selected Serve, and were surprised with the volleyball court; a net suspended over two feet in mud. Stuck thigh deep in the muck, the pair’s boasted volleyball skills were completely negated as leg movement was no longer an easy option. Regardless, the athletic pair quickly scored a requisite five points, and hurried to the Pit Stop for a first place finish.
Pit Stops on The Amazing Race are typically iconic of the host country, be they monuments, landmarks, or at least picturesque locales. Tonight’s Pit Stop, however, was nothing more than a watchtower in the midst of the wetlands. Towering almost ten feet above the swamps, the watchtower looked simply like a pile of logs hastily lashed together. Perhaps impressive enough to earn a pioneering merit badge, this shoddy structure was nothing shy of embarrassing on a national scale.
Flight Time and Big Easy and Sam and Dan competed in the Serve challenge simultaneously. As only two volleyball courts were available, Brian and Ericka were forced to attempt the Sling challenge. Deceptively simple, to pass the challenge, teams needed to simply score a target with a radish from approximately one hundred feet with the aid of a Wrist Rocket slingshot. With success, a load of cabbages would fall from a table for no apparent reason, and the team could progress towards the Pit Stop. No explanation was given as to why this challenge involved so many non-marsh-native vegetables, but the spectacle was enjoyable nonetheless.
Using their stature to their advantage, Team Globetrotter finished their volleyball challenge and excitedly headed off in a direction completely opposite of the Pit Stop. Apparently, neither could spot the towering behemoth that was the all-kindling watchtower. Sam and Dan, still bitter from the taxi incident, finished the volleyball task and discreetly headed the proper way. However, realizing their mistake, Flight Time and Big Easy corrected their trajectory and torpedoed towards the Pit Stop. Having only a narrow walkway to traverse across the murky wetlands, the two teams were bottlenecked as the incredibly athletic Globetrotters caught up to Sam and Dan. Perhaps unintentionally, perhaps maliciously, elbows were thrown and people were knocked to the ground. The teams eventually crossed the finish line with Sam and Dan second and Flight Time and Big Easy third. This new-formed rivalry will be interesting, if not terrifying; Sam and Dan should know better than to make enemies of professional athletes twice their size.
Brian and Ericka, after copious trial and error, completed the Sling challenge, and garnered a fourth place finish from host Phil Keoghan. Around this point, Gary and Matt arrived. Never ones to quit in the face of defeat, the duo nobly finished the Sling challenge, and humbly accepted their fifth place finish and ensuing elimination from the contest.
While not the most intense elimination this season, Gary and Matt should be happy. They’ve flown to exotic locations, embarked on great adventures, and gone toe-to-toe with incredibly tenacious teams, only to lose marginally to four incredibly physically advantaged pairs. In addition, the father and son return to Minnesota with a plethora of shared experiences, newfound respect for each other, and the nigh-on exclusive business model for the first American sauna on wheels. But perhaps Gary said it best; “We came here to have fun… I never want to see another candelabra in my lifetime.”
