Holy s%&$. I don’t even know where to begin. Let me start off by saying I went into this film with an open mind and cleared all prejudices out of my head before it started. I did everything I could, but nothing could change the fact that this is a bad movie. In every way that it could, this movie sucks. “Good Luck Chuck” is painful and embarrassing to watch. First time director Mark Helfrich should be ashamed of himself. This is probably one of the bottom ten of all the big studio movies I have ever seen. Mr. Helfrich should know better, he’s been around for many years. Before taking the bump up to the directors chair he worked as an editor on such films as “X-Men 3: The Last Stand”, “Honey”, “Showgirls” and all three “Rush Hour” movies. Oh boy. At least we can say he learned something while working on those films. Unfortunately, what he learned was how to make a shit movie.
If you must know (and I warn you, you will devolve slightly just for hearing this) here is the plot: Charlie (Dane Cook) was a jerk to a goth girl when they were kids (despite the fact that no one was goth like that in 1985) so she cursed him that he would never find love. Twenty years later it gets around town that every girl that sleeps with him finds the man of their dreams right after doing the coital calypso with Charlie. So now, every girl in town wants to hop in the sack for a one-time wang whomping from ol’ Chuck so they can meet their very own soul mate. Some freaking curse! Every woman wants to sleep with him and he can never commit, poor dude. (By the way, who are the women stupid enough to fall for this shit?) Then he meets Cam (Jessica Alba), the most unrealistically, un-endearingly klutzy girl in history. He immediately falls head over heels for her for pretty much no reason other than the fact that she looks like Jessica Alba (I guess there are worse reasons). It sure ain’t because she’s interesting, she’s not. Now Charlie is afraid to sleep with her because he doesn’t want to lose her. If I told you anymore you would actually start throwing your own feces. This kind of garbage writing works fine for kid’s movies and those annoying father/son switch movies, but in an adult oriented, R-rated, comedy it just doesn’t fly.
Dane Cook’s performance oscillates more than a sweat shop fan between “sweet dentist guy with a heart of pure gold as big as the great outdoors” and “scary, raving, violent, psychotic stalker lunatic.” Somehow we are supposed to like Chuck and be on his side whether he is playing up the phony ass sincerity or stalking the girl of his affections to the point of terrorizing her and violently assaulting her friends. His performance is at times kinetic and at times lethargic, but at no time good. He tried so hard and desperately to make Chuck likable that he just came off as phony. Did I mention he is flat out ugly? Wow, I never realized it until seeing him on “the big screen” but he has the worst skin in movies since Robert Davi (the Fratelli brother from “Goonies” that wasn’t on “The Sopranos). Looking over my notes three sentences about Dane stood out. “Dane Cook is awful.” “Dane Cook is really terrible.” “He is pathetic.” To be fair, I think that last one may have been about the character, but still, he is playing a character we are supposed to like and support and that was how it came out so I blame him.
Jessica Alba may be adorable (though overrated - Sorry Omar), but what she is not is a physical comedienne. Her character is supposed to be the lovable klutz. What she comes off as is mentally and physically challenged and not in the cute way. It seems like it would be one huge pain in the ass just to be near her. I swear to God, I wouldn’t walk down the street with Cam for fear of falling pianos. Someone really needs to explain to the screenwriter (I will do him the favor of not mentioning his name) that writing in a pratfall for NO REASON does not count as writing jokes; especially when they serve no purpose other than to make her look even more absurdly retarded than she already did. To be fair, she isn’t bad when she isn’t trying to be funny. She actually came off as very sweet and sincere about two-thirds into the movie when her character miraculously overcomes her clumsiness for no apparent reason.
The two main characters are so flat that there is absolutely nothing to them other than the fact that he is a nice guy and she loves penguins. Seriously, that is all we learn about them. That’s it. We get no sense at all about what they see in each other. But even if they were remarkably well-written that wouldn’t change the fact that both Cook and Alba are successful far beyond their talents.
This is a “comedy” with no laughs, and that is no joke. I chuckled three times throughout the entire ordeal. Two times were courtesy of Charlie’s best friend Stu played by Dan Fogler. I think he really has some talent in there, but it is going to take more than this dumpster debris to bring it out. The third time was the security guard in the airport at the end that almost made me laugh. Dane Cook hammering back shots on a date with the grossest girl ever was kind of funny, but not funny enough to elicit any type of physical response. We also get the stereotypical “fat black lady that yells at everyone” character and a Japanese guy singing awful karaoke at a wedding for no reason. Ah racism, the benchmark of fine filmmaking. If you are the kind of person that gets a laugh out of seeing a guy with a fake boner in his pants, first of all punch yourself in the nuts. Second, do it again. Third, ask your Mom for some money to go to movies, this might be for you. But wait, there’s more! You will also be treated to a scene where a penguin shits and then turns around and eats it! Sound like your kind of movie? Punch yourself in the nuts again and keep doing it until you can’t breed.
If you do see this movie (and I sincerely urge you not to) and you can make it all the way through to the end credits (I thought the movie was too long at the 70 minute mark, but there were 23 more to go), don’t bother waiting around to watch the crap going on during the credits. Though that sequence does sum up nicely just how much this movie sucks. You could watch just that stuff to know how bad it is. Actually, I recommend anyone that is considering seeing “Good Luck Chuck” to ask yourself this question: “Do I want to watch Dane Cook eat a stuffed penguin’s ass?” If you answered yes then I don’t want to know you exist. Movies like this should not get made, just like people like Paris Hilton should not be born, but Hollywood will keep plopping out turds like them with no end in sight.
Rating:
1/10
God, this movie looks so much better than the one I saw.
Written by: Gillman on Sat, Sep 22, 2007