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Anacona on Blu-Ray

Main Feature (1H 29M 20S)

Question: Is this one of the worst films ever made?

Answer: Quite possibly. Then again, this is possibly also one of the worst films featuring a giant snake.

I am truly amazed at this film. I am very rarely left open-jawed and at a loss for words, but this is one of those moments. Since I’m finding it a struggle to communicate I will partially dissect this disaster step by step.

Jon Voight, who (let’s be honest) was the best hope for some decent acting, plays a character named Sarone who speaks as though he is constantly chewing marbles, and affects a ridiculous “Tony Montana” accent. Eric Stoltz is another actor I have a lot of respect for but his character, Dr. Steven Cale, quickly goes from being a strong leader to being just as incompetent as everyone else on this little expedition. And where stereotypes are concerned, it’s also possible that Ice Cube plays the blackest black guy outside of a Spike Lee movie. In fact, early in the movie his character, Danny Rich, is shown to be very protective of his radio which reminded me of Radio Raheem from Spike Lee’s classic, Do the Right Thing. I am grasping for positives here and all I can muster is that Jennifer Lopez and Kari Wuhrer are both gorgeous.

The story here is pretty much Aliens if it were set in an Amazonian river and the aliens were replaced by a really big snake. The lead character is an attractive female who manages to stay strong whilst watching a group of incompetent men fail to take care of the terrifying issue at hand. Human greed is once again shown to be the root of all evil, not to mention being blind to some incredibly obvious dangers. In the Amazon jungle no one can hear you scream. The big question is whether or not anyone would hear a sound if a tree happened to fall in that jungle with no one nearby when that event took place. I apologize if that was too random but I am trying to cheer myself up after watching this monstrosity.

Due to the improved visuals of the Blu-Ray format the landscape really comes to life in this release but the major downside of this improved clarity is that you can now witness how awful the special effects are. In one scene a tiny snake bites the finger of one of the characters and the offending reptile looks like one of those very cheap rubber snakes you might find in a joke shop.

Anyone familiar with the famous shot in Jaws in which the camera simultaneously tracks in and zooms out to emphasise the horrified reaction of Roy Scheider may share my startled reaction when I noticed the exact same shot used on the face of Jennifer Lopez. I wish to point out one thing. I am not complaining about seeing the face of Lopez – she is beautiful. I had a lot of time for Scheider but even if he had appeared on every one of the countless makeover shows on American TV he still wouldn’t come out looking anywhere near as pretty as J-Lo. Such an homage leaves me stunned in a manner which could only be outdone by a Wayans brothers movie featuring a classic shot from Sergio Leone’s The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Avoid this film unless you really love garbage cinema.

Extras

Move along. There is nothing to see here.

Summary

Here is a recipe in how to end up with a rating of one star out of a possible five. Take one pathetic film and add no extras at all.

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