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To sum up Miss March, it would be like this: the trailer is the film. Literally almost every good joke is used in the trailer which is the Cliff Notes version of the film. What’s not shown is all the gross potty jokes that would only find a home in an R-rated trailer. It should be no surprise, the film has an atrocious script that relies way too much on the potty jokes to be funny. Even the funniest bit in the film involves a part of a horse’s nether regions and works only because Craig Robinson is the best thing about the film.

Tucker (Trevor Moore) and Eugene (Zach Cregger) are best friends and (as usual) seemingly the total opposite of each other. Eugene is the prude and Tucker is the sleep-with-anything-that-moves type, who has a huge obsession with Playboy. Eugene’s girlfriend Cindi (Raquel Alessi) thinks they’re ready to get it on and plans to do so on prom night. On said night, Eugene gets the jitters so Tucker tries to calm him by getting him super drunk. Well, Eugene stumbles down a flight of stairs into a basement and has a toolbox and shelf fall on top of him putting him in a four-year coma. He awakens to Tucker (fate worse than death) and to find out his girlfriend is now a Playboy Bunny. The two decide to embark on a quest to “win her back” for Eugune and for Tucker to live out his lifelong dream of being at the Playboy Mansion.

There are so many problems with this movie not even a real-life brain surgeon could fix them. Let’s start with the most annoying, Trevor Moore as Tucker Cleigh. He reaches Jar Jar Binks levels of annoyance and then eclipses that Gungan asshole. It was as if Trevor watched Episode I as part of his character prep. He’s supposed to be the character with all the laughs but instead you’re wishing Eugene was the one with the bat beating Tucker over, and over, and over until he cannot move or breathe. Never once is he funny or even chuckle-worthy. His character is every single “annoying friend” cliché in the book and Moore doesn’t even attempt to do anything with him other than make him worse than he needs to be. This is a definite Razzie contender for Worst Performance.

It’s clear that in Cindi and Eugene’s relationship, Cindi wears the pants given the bitching and whining Eugene does. His attire for most of the film is a tuxedo shirt that has a woman’s bikini and body on both sides and a pink Foxy hoodie that fits him really well. Every one of his scenes is “Tucker, don’t do this” or “I can’t believe we’re in this again Tucker”. You could almost replace all his lines with a baby crying and get the same effect. Raquel Alessi does essentially what’s asked of her which is to look hot and strut it. I have to point out that the film is called Miss March yet we never see her puppies. Yeah, she’s the centerfold but we only see her covered up by white sheets. The same can be said about their relationship as the film is about these two characters getting together. Eugene travels to the Mansion to finally get with Cindi…and we don’t see it. It’s like The Dark Knight ending with Batman and Joker ready to face off and we cut to credits. In that case, the movie is essentially about nothing with no pay off.

The only semi-redeeming thing is Craig Robinson as Horsedick.MPEG, a rapper who blows up thanks to the wonderful power of the internet. I feel no shame in spoiling the best part which involves Horsedick.MPEG filming a music video called “I Want You to Suck My Dick While I Fuck You In The Ass.” Robinson stole the show in Zack and Miri Make a Porno and here he’s fighting against the film. He’s trying to elevate the material to funny but what’s around him is so bad he only does so much. In fact, the ending sort of ruins his character with a lame joke about his own private parts.

I mentioned earlier that the film relies way too heavily on potty jokes and it’s true. Every joke in the film involves either sex, lesbians, or excrement and all try too hard to be funny. There’s a gag about Eugene waking up from his coma and having to move his bowels every time he gets stressed. It was incredibly flat and outright gross the first time it’s in the film, but they don’t care and treat us to it later on. The other attempt at the funny involves Tucker’s girlfriend Candance, who has epilepsy. She’s stabbed in the face with a fork when she bites Tucker’s junk, and tells her brother who you’d think is a FBI Agent? Nope. Police officer even? No, her brother is of all things, a fireman and as the movie tries to tell us, “Firemen are crazy.” The movie isn’t concerned about accomplishing a goal (like Cindi and Eugene getting together) or livng up to its name (only ONE pair of tits is shown in a film endorsed by Playboy) but in throwing lame joke after lame joke at us and hoping it works.

I’ve never watched “The Whitest Kids U Know” but I can say this film didn’t do much to persuade me. It tries too hard to be funny, crude, and doesn’t even try to care about its main plot and can’t even live up to the company that’s sponsoring it by the lack of tittilage. In fact, this is the first time a film actually reached out from the screen, formed a fist and played conga on my body. Words can’t describe how bad it is, and not even “horribafuckus” defines how awful this film is. Give it a few years and this will be a form of torture in some countries.

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