Guy gets girl. Guy loses girl because he’s a zookeeper. Animals decide to help a brother out. How many times have we seen that story? Only this once, thank goodness. Zookeeper suffers from a serious case of Shot-It’s-Wad-itis; all of the good stuff is in the trailer. That’s right, everything worth seeing? You’ve seen already. The rest is yawn-worthy at best, complete garbage at it’s lowest point. And there are a whole lotta lows.
Here’s where I tell y’all more of the plot. But since there isn’t anything more than a tag-line, let’s just get to what makes me want to cry. It’s sad that Kevin James put so much out there on this film. He’s trying his best to charm you here, but the movie ain’t worth his effort. The animals are cute, that’s true. But the interaction with James’ Griffin the zookeeper flip-flops from adult “wink wink, knowwhatImean” chitchat to pee jokes. Add this movie to the pile of films that try to shoot for the middle ground and end up entertaining nobody.
The supporting human characters are cardboard cutouts, so much so that I didn’t bother to register names. There’s Griffin’s love interest, The Girl. Griffin’s co-workers, The Creepy Guy, The Douche and The Nice Woman Who Is Better Than The Girl. And let’s not forget The Guy That May Be Griffin’s Brother But Is So Underwritten Who Knows. Yawn. The animal characters have great potential, seeing as how they’re voiced by Adam Sandler, Cher, Maya Rudolph Judd Apatow, Sylvester Stallone and friggin’ Nick Nolte for crying out loud. But in a movie where the end all, be all is talking animals? They don’t get enough to do. Considering director Frank Coraci helmed The Wedding Singer and The Waterboy and this picture is produced by Sandler’s Happy Madison Productions, I expected more. Hell, I’d expect more from the kids in Super 8. Their version of this movie I probably would have enjoyed.
Stephanie — The Girl — is played by the criminally underused Leslie Bibb; can someone get her a decent movie or tv series? (Yes, I’m still bitter that Popular was cancelled.) Her character is so one-note that it’d be hard for Meryl Streep to flesh her out. And even so, with such a bland, vapid moneywhore, who even cares? And why, oh why, was Griffin so enamored by this witch? Wait, did he get hired for his job thanks to “Hire An Idiot Day” or something? And speaking of actors who deserve better, Rosario Dawson plays “The Nice Woman” Kate, and she lights up the screen every time she’s on. But that sparkle only shoves the flaws in this movie out into the light. She’s in the only scene in this movie that’s worth watching, the wedding reception scene where Kate bonds with Griffin as they swing on aerialist silks. It’s a glimpse of what the movie could have been, if the powers-that-be hadn’t wanted to pander to the lowest common denominator.
But the thing that chaps me the most is the completely incomprehensible storyline. You can’t tell me that a keeper, someone who has to have a background in science in order to snag the job, could be stupid enough to pull some of the idiotic crap Griffin does. Animals giving a zookeeper advice on love based on what they do in the wild is a great idea for a story. But you’ve got to give it some spark of believability…and we’re given Griffin weeing into potted plants during a wedding reception. Huh? Maybe there is something to the “Hire An Idiot Day” thing after all. Yes, this is a comedy. But there’s funny and then there’s…well, as Red from That 70′s Show would put it, there’s being a dumbass. Kevin James gives his all to flesh out his character, and Griffin is a sweetheart. But it ain’t enough, not nearly enough, to save this movie.
What worries me is that the kids who head to this movie will believe that wild animals are just sitting at zoos, waiting to be their besties if only they’d get close enough to chat. Take the money you would have spent on this movie and spend it at the Baltimore Zoo (or the National Zoo — shout out to my hometown haunt!) instead. You’ll get more out of it, and the money will go to a good cause. No, not the animals, though that’s good too. But if you choose to spend your money at a real Zoo instead of on this dreck, there’ll be no chance of a Zookeeper sequel.
