Sometimes hitting the multiplex just isn’t in the cards. That’s when Netflix steps in to provide a movie fix. But how to separate the wheat from the chaff? I’m happy to help; every week I’ll pick a flick from the Netflix Watch Instantly section and see if it’s worth your time. This week? “976-EVIL”.
Since this work week ends on a Friday the 13th, what better way to go than with something scary? Sadly, 976-EVIL is more confusing than creepy.
No thanks to Netflix though; their Watch Instantly stream has been crashing all week long. So instead, I headed over to Crackle – another movie streaming “channel” that is available on just about any system/tv that can stream Netflix – and stumbled onto this little gem. I vagely remember seeing the trailers for this film back in the day, but even though I’d fork over my hard-earned allowance to see just about any horror movie the 80’s produced, I missed this one. No, not missed…didn’t see this one, because I really didn’t miss anything.
The plot is the basic Nerd Revenge Fantasy, with a bit of Satan thrown in. Spike and Hoax are cousins that live with Hoax’s overly-religious Tammy Faye clone of a mom. Spike finds an ad for a “horrorscope” number (the telephone number of the title) and calls it. He quickly realizes that there’s creepiness afoot, and stops calling. Hoax stumbles onto the number while snooping through Spike’s room…and before you know it, Hoax is sprouting claws, fangs, and a thirst for (da dummm) revenge. This movie is obviously a quick cash-in on the popularity of Fright Night, and especially of Stephen Geoffreys’ “Evil Ed”. If Stephen Geoffreys worked as a bonkers nerd before, why not do it again? Well, because you could end up cranking out a pointless movie like this one.
The makeup effects still hold up, though that’s really all that does in this movie. I expected more from Robert Englund; after starring in so many Freddy Krueger movies, his directorial debut doesn’t have the draw of his starring role (though I did enjoy his work on Freddy’s Nightmares.) Spike and Hoax are cousins, but there doesn’t seem to be much of a bond there. Hoax’s adoration borders on creepy, while Spike drifts from friendly savior to apathetic punk in his dealings with Hoax. Since the movie doesn’t develop their bond or backstory, when Hoax goes full-on Satan, it’s hard to understand how Spike can get through to him. Or why he’d even try.
Sandy Dennis (Up the Down Staircase) hams it up as Hoax’s mom; think Mrs. White from Carrie with a slew of cats and bad wigs. Robert Picardo (Star Trek: Voyager) plays a shady guy that runs the call center that has the dastardly number, and he seems rather embarrassed to be there. But hey, the check cleared I guess, so all’s right with the world. Throw in a reporter/P.I. and the principal of Spike and Hoax’s school, and you’ve got the cast. Oh yeah, and the bodies. Whoops, I mean objects of Hoax’s revenge, which would be the bullies at school and Spike’s sometimes girlfriend that insulted poor snively Hoax. It’s easy to forget those characters, since they only seem to be on screen long enough for Hoax to develop a grudge against them. Though their outfits are pure 80’s awesomeness.
A nerd with a grudge, Satan on the phone, the gates of Hell opening up… so much to work with. But the scariest thing about 976-EVIL is that there’s a sequel out there.
Here’s the breakdown:
Would I watch it again?: As much as I enjoyed Stephen Geoffreys in Fright Night, I’ll pass on watching this film again.
Should you see it?: If you’re an 80’s horror completist, or are looking for something to watch because you can’t find your copy of Troll 2, of course. Otherwise? It’s too poorly done to rate as campy fun, and too lame to be scary.
Netflix average rating: Not available on Netflix yet (though the sequel is, and I’m sure it’s awesome.) Crackle doesn’t have a ratings system.
My rating: 2 stars — “Didn’t Like It”
