I must confess, I’m rather intrigued by Kevin Smith’s Cop Out. How, exactly, did a big budget movie with a roster of talent like this end up so terrible?  Willis looks sad, bored and tired, Morgan bops and babbles like he’s full of Ketamines, and Kevin Smith doesn’t even seem to have been on the set. Many have been buzzing about the director’s weight fiasco last week, but I say cut the guy some slack. It’s really his new movie that’s the fat, bloated slob.

Where do we begin and who’s to blame? Probably everyone, but as is usually the case, we could start with the script. I’m not the world’s biggest Smith fan, but the trouble starts here with the fact he didn’t write this one himself. I’m not actually sure anyone wrote it, despite the fact we have names in the credits. It feels like they filmed a series of notes scrawled on the back of a coaster at Chili’s by a bunch of guys drunkenly rehashing half-remembered buddy cop movies. In the places where there were memorable chase scenes and witty comaraderie, they just filled it in with actors flashing guns at the camera and Tracey Morgan waxing poetic about his bowel condition.

One is tempted to point an accusing finger at the tired, old formula, but that would be silly. The formula works and it has given us a number of good entries like the Lethal Weapon movies, Rush Hour, and Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang (yea, I know they weren’t technically cops). Cop Out just doesn’t seem to understand the formula, and as a result it flails about aimlessly trying to find something to hold onto.

The basics are here; Willis is a divorced cop whose struggling with his teenage daughter, estranged wife and her smarmy second husband. Morgan is his partner, and as the plot requires, also a sassy black man. The potentially interesting twist, that he’s also frightfully insecure about his wife’s fidelity, is smashed into pieces and emerges as the film’s most clueless and wrong-headed attempt at comedy.

The two of them end up embarking on a series of misadventures (or is it misfires?) that pit them against a Latino druglord, an annoying cat burglar who practices Parkour, and the typically beautiful woman on the run from the bad guys. We get scenes of the police chief chastizing their methods and taking their badges, Willis smiling coyly and firing his gun haphazardly in the general direction of the perps, and an extra added bonus involving Morgan tailing a suspect on a kid’s bike while wearing a giant cellphone costume. Hardy har-har.

The cast is surprisingly flat and bland. None of them bring any of what we expect to the table. I usually like Willis, whether he’s going daftly over-the-top (The Fifth Element) or building subtle nuance into his characters (The Sixth Sense). But here, he doesn’t seem to be playing anything. He just stands there, looking forlorn and waiting for Die Hard 5 to pick him up at the bus stop so he can leave the movie. Sean William Scott shows up as the thief, and he’s beyond annoying; he’s mind numbing.  He tries to make that old “guy repeats everything the others say” routine feel like it wasn’t shuttled off the preschool playground. Obviously, he fails. Michelle Trachtenberg as Willis’ daughter and  Rashida Jones as Morgan’s wife are just wasted pretty faces. The villain of the piece is so eye rollingly bad in his role, I’d feel bad singling the actor out. The only one really trying here is Tracey Morgan.

That’s right. Tracey gives the movie his all. He’s approaching the role not as an actor examining a character but as a star trying to outshine the rest of the film. He screams, he smirks, he rails on and on with jokes that weren’t funny when they started, and if the movie had continued I’m perfectly confident he would have eventually donned a tophat, played the kazoo and started moonwalking next to Willis.

I think Morgan can be funny when he has someone who knows how to channel and direct his brand of comedic energy, but here, stranded alone with Willis on lunch break, he goes overboard. The result is like watching a man courageously save a woman from drowning and try to pump air back into her lungs while everyone else watching can see all too clearly she’s long dead.

Finally, there’s Kevin Smith. I cannot see a single mark of his style, humor, or instinct anywhere on this picture. The friend I saw this with commented “If I didn’t know better I’d just assume this was some other Kevin Smith”. He’s right, for as much as it matters to the final result, C.More Butts could have directed this movie; it’s cookie cutter all the way.

There’s really not much more to say. This is a complete failure, albeit there are one or two jokes that almost hit the mark. Worst of all, you could substitute all the collaboraters with unknowns and the result would be the same.  I went into this movie curious, wondering what a cop comedy starring Willis and Morgan  and directed by Smith would look like. Strangely, I’m still wondering.

Rating: ★½☆☆☆ 

Friends, I have just received new demands. My colleagues say I’m being a troll. We have to be nice. Diablo Cody, and any bad comments toward her, must be saved for private and not told directly to her, and our compadres, whose souls shriveled while they watched the subject movie, will have lost time. But we can all still be nice.  Meanwhile, screenwriting ideas like good dialogue, story structure, and likeable characters get packed up. But we can all be nice.

Well, I’m not being nice. I’m going to get in front of my Macbook, and I’m going to log on here, and I’m going to kick that sorry excuse of a film Jennifer’s Body‘s ass so hard, that the next Diablo Cody wannabe is going to feel it.

There’s a reason Quentin Tarantino’s dialogue works like it does. The man may indulge in himself a little much, but he gives his characters voices. One can distinctly identify with Hans Landa’s speech and mannerisms just as they can with Ordell Robbie. He might repeat themes, but Tarantino knows how to make strong, unique characters with snappy dialogue that fits them. They will make pop culture references, but none of them do it in a manner where it feels like one character talking to his or herself.

Diablo Cody fails miserably at this, as well as trying to write a film in general. Now I’ll admit I spat in the theaters Juno played in, but I approached this latest monstrosity with an open mind, hoping for something along the lines of Drag Me to Hell. That was my fault, as Raimi’s horror story was funny, smart, cheesy and actually engaging, proving that fun horror films should be left to people who actually know how to write a film. If Juno wasn’t enough evidence Cody had zero talent as a writer, then Jennifer’s Body needs to move up to Exhibit A.

Her characters have no voice except hers. Granted, that’s the point of view of anyone writing a screenplay, but Cody could have every single character talking in exactly the same voice if it served in any way whatsoever to drive the plot forward. These characters have no identity except that of the lead character: in this case, Needy (Amanda Seyfried). I beg anyone who enjoys self-torture and sits through this monstrosity to tell me five distinct characteristics of Jennifer, then identify one of them that is not visible in Needy. The only thing that differentiates them in this viewer’s opinion is that Jennifer dresses like a filthy whore and Needy wears clothes my grandmothers would find old-fashioned. Characters need characteristics to make the viewer characterize them. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra did a better job of dealing different character cards, and that was a big ensemble.

That same film also did a better job of structuring its story and lending some explanation to its plentiful elements. Cody just assumes we’ll buy that a bar catches fire for NO APPARENT REASON. What caused the fire, you ask? The film never explains but exploits the damage done for the duration of its own assault (also referred to as runtime). Another thing Cody forgets to share with us is how exactly Jennifer gets transformed into a boy-huntin’ psychopath in the first place. Sure, we see her tied, sacrificed, then murdered. And yes, some lines are recited to summon ‘the beast’. However, we never see the actual transformation from dead human to violent beast. My guess is that these are moments Cody wants us to take as “so cool it doesn’t need an explanation” (e.g. – think the chicken in The Hangover) but uses this for key plot elements and not a MacGuffin. It’s also incredibly easy to predict where the film is going with its opening scene – there’s no subtlety here.

But enough about the trash that is the screenplay, no one else seems to be helping make the film remotely watchable. Karyn Kusama sleepwalks through it, or she tried the best with nothing. Whatever the case, her timing is off and she’s not helping the film rise above the sum of its parts. Then, of course, we have Megan Fox as the title character (and she’s just as good here as she was in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen). She’s gorgeous and trashy, no doubt, but she’s also frequently laughable and despicable. Amanda Seyfried fares no better, which should be a Greek tragedy when one factors in what she did in Mean Girls. She just reads off lines, never giving them the oopmh or pizazz they need to effectively imply that someone could have meant them. Johnny Simmons looks like he’s in a completely different film as her boyfriend, Chip. Everything either shocks or bores him, especially the sex scene with Amanda. He also carries this spaced-out look all the way through the movie, like he’s still suffering from being in The Spirit. The same could be said for the rest of the cast that includes J.K. Simmons, Adam Brody, Amy Sedaris, and Chris Pratt. All of them just show up, decidedly bored and appear to be reading their lines off cue cards.

I’ll repeat what I said earlier about this film; Diablo Cody should stop writing screenplays. Her characters aren’t extensions of the leading player but are the exact same as them. Her use of ‘trendy’ dialogue is atrocious and no one in the real world talks like these people. Or should I say this person, because everyone is supposed to speak exactly like each other in her world. However, Juno started to tell a new story in its last thirty minutes, a fiasco that proves Cody can’t structure a film properly. Things are just supposed to happen and we, the audience, are supposed to be OK with it because we’ll be sprouting drivel like “you need a manny.” In the words of Myron Cope, I say “Mm HA!” Her future screenplays could be used to keep children on the streets warmed in the wintertime as they’re set ablaze.

This might feel like a personal attack on Ms. Cody, and while I will admit I am blasting her, it’s her film that just isn’t even remotely good. Outside of the venomous script, the acting, directing and everything else that goes into making a decent film is missed in this movie. It wants to be a callback to the ’80′s horror films but should have been shelved – Raimi already did that, perfectly, way back in May. So speaking of Jennifer’s Body being undeserving of a zero out of five stars, it gets the dishonor of being something worse.

GO TO HELL OUT OF FIVE STARS

The Hollywood vixen of sorts Megan Fox rips her way onto the big screen in Diablo Cody’s penned up feature Jennifer’s Body. Here is yet another tease of sorts (literally and figuratively) with the international poster for the upcoming film. Fox stars as a possessed cheerleader who fills up her spare time by eating up teenage boys. Her best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) tries to put a stop to it and make sure she keeps her boyfriend (Adam Brody) off of the menu as well. Jennifer’s Body comes out, from the good people at Fox Atomic, in theaters everywhere September 18th.

Diablo Cody’s latest written horror comedy that is emerging onto the big screen, Jennifer’s Body, now has itself a poster. Starring every other man’s celebrity crush Megan Fox as a possessed cheerleader who’s idea of a fun night out includes eating up teenage boys, this horror comedy is going to already bring in the crowds. Along side her is Big Love and Mamma Mia! star Amanda Seyfried as the best friend who tries to snap her deranged friend out of the curse, also with Adam Brody (The OC). Directed by Karyn Kusama and set to come out on September 18th, here is a look at the poster thanks to the guys of BloodyDisgusting.com!

The most-likely-to-be new popular film directed by Karyn Kusama & written up by Juno writer/Oscar winner Diablo Cody is the seductively witty and graphic horror comedy, Jennifer’s Body. Starring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, this cheerleader’s version of a good night out involves the good and scrumptious food of other teenage men. Her best friend (Seyfried) is trying to find out what exactly possessed her and finally put a stop to this before its too late.

Check out the exclusive red band trailer from the guys at ShockTillYouDrop below:

Brody's one of the other Dicks.

Kevin Smith, popular director of films from Clerks to Zack & Miri Make A Porno, got himself some dicks for his latest movie. Properly titled A Couple of Dicks, this flick is a comedy about two cops whose adventures include locating a stolen baseball card, rescuing a woman, and dealing with gangsters and their laundered money. Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan are both already locked on top play the two main cops, while Adam Brody (In The Land of Women) is set to be another detective none too pleased working alongside the two. Sean William Scott (Role Models) plays the ‘Shit Bandit’, a thief who’s well known for leaving ‘souvenirs’ at the scene of his crimes.

All tied up within the obvious View Askew Pictures, Marc Platt Productions & Warner Bros Pictures who seems to be attached to every other decent picture out nowadays, A Couple of Dicks will come out in theaters everywhere on February 26th 2010. Filming is already slated to begin at the start of next week.