“When my grandaughter’s boyfriend’s band plays an under 21 club with my daughter-in-law’s brother’s gay partner I show up, that’s just how I was raised!”

There you have it “Travels with Scout” was another great episode of ABC’s Modern Family, due in no small part to the fact that the story revolved around Ty Burrell and his character Phil’s dad played by guest starring Fred Willard. Once upon a time these two funny men were on ABC’s short lived Back to You starring Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton. When Back to You was canceled I immediately missed newcomer Burrell and old standby Willard thankfully Modern Family brought both of these talented actors back to my living room and exposed their greatness to a much larger (spanning beyond the borders of my living room) viewing audience. I like the entire cast of Modern Family but I think I’ve gotta claim Ty Burrell as my favorite. The way he always entertains reminds me of David Cross’ Dr. Tobias Fünke from FOX’s Arrested Development = comic gold. Enough about Modern Family the series and more “Travels with Scout!”

How about some quotes?

“I shoulda told Claire about the dog and I was going to but I was just waiting for her to be in the right mood, actually I did get one right mood a couple of nights ago but I cashed that in for something else.”

“I made the mistake of letting him sleep with me on the road now my sheets look like two Bigfoots did it. Pardon the language.”

Dylan says to Cameron, “I’m not sure we like the same sorts of music.” Cameron replies, ”Oh what, because I’m gay I’m just gonna wanna play show tunes?” Dylan, “No, because you’re old.” Cameron, “Wow. That hurt more, Dylan.”

Cameron plays the drums. Cameron played football. Cameron was a clown. Cameron is not just a gay parent of an adopted Asian child. What else will we learn about Cameron before this season is finished?

Oh wait, Cameron believes “We happen to be a very traditional family.” “Yes, that’s what the disabled lesbian shaman who blessed Lillie’s room said too.” Mitchell sarcastically agrees but which is it- Modern or traditional?

Some Phil quotes to soothe your soul-

“It probably just sounded like he was crying, have you heard the noises he makes when he gets out of a chair?”

“We talk all of the time, he pranks calls me at work like three times a week!”

“My dad isn’t like your dad. There’s nothing deep and dark inside, his hard candy shell is just hiding more candy.”

Al Bundy Ed O’Neill’s Jay makes another poor parenting decision and takes young Manny to a slasher flick, Manny is scarred for life, one thing leads to another and Manny takes first watch standing guard over the homestead with fencing foil in hand- protect that house, Manny.

“I’ll always remember him as the stranger holding my baby. Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?” another great line from traditional family man Mitchell Pritchett.

When asked where his recreational vehicle will take him Fred Willard replied, “I’m just gonna drive wherever the wind blows me which is usually into the next lane.” I only hope the wind leads Fred Willard back to many more Modern Family guest appearances.

I’ll close with this Ty Burrell masterpiece- “I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers but it turns out I’m one of them. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up a stripper.”

Slowly but surely my childhood continues to die with the sequel of the surprise 2007 Twentieth Century Fox hit, Alvin and the Chipmunks with their ‘Squeakquel’. This time around, Alvin, Simon and Theodore are not alone in their tiny world with the arrival of the Chipettes who are voiced by Christina Applegate, Anna Faris and Amy Poehler.

In the sequel, David Seville (Jason Lee) sends Alvin, Simon, and Theodore off to school, saying “it’s good for them.” Little did he know, the Chipmunks feel like “Chipmunks Out of Water” because of all the (human) kids around. Meanwhile, Ian Hawke (David Cross (after the loss of the Chipmunks dealt him a serious blow) is freed from jail and searches the world for animals who can sing and dance. He happens upon the Chipettes and cannot wait to make them famous and get revenge on the Chipmunks.

Watch the trailer below and thank the lord they’re not soul-crushingly dressed odd just like the teaser poster of the first movie, or you can cuddle up to your diamond-filled chipette dolls in horror if you don’t like this:

Check out the trailer below:

You know who they are. Three cute Chipmunks, that sing cute songs, and act all cute and shit (in this movie they took that last part a bit too literally) and their ever suffering writer/father figure. Add in an evil record mogul and you’ve got the latest incarnation of “Alvin and the Chipmunks”. They’ve been around nearly fifty years and had countless (at least I’m not bothering to count) albums, tv specials, a Saturday morning cartoon, an animated movie (or maybe two, what do I look like to you?) and now a “live action” movie. Of course the anthropomorphic rodents are CGI, but everyone else is a real person (though David Cross might be some type of sarcasm demon from the outer-rings of hell).

Jason Lee (“My Name is Earl”, “The Incredibles,”, “Chasing Amy”) stars as Dave Seville, a struggling song-writer (and a really bad one at that) who finds these three adorable Chipmunks eating his food one night. Rather than check himself in for some serious psychological evaluation (but hey, this is a kid’s movie) he gets them to sing and they become bigger than Hanna Montana over night. David Cross plays the evil record exec that wants to run them ragged and get them hooked on speed (coffee) to keep his pockets swelling. We get to see the birth of the infamous Chipmunk’s “Christmas Song” (which is now mercilessly stuck in my head) and we get to see the writer’s try desperately to dream up as many reasons as possible for Dave to scream “Alvin!” at the top of his lungs. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that the little guys were pretty fucking cute. (Sorry, I had to throw that in there so I didn’t sound like a complete twat.) The animation was some of the better CGI of this type that I’ve seen and they didn’t seem to be floating in the environment at all. (See that George Lucas? Your turn.) Theodore is childlike and chubby, Simon is smart and Alvin is the cool one. Is there anything else about The Chipmunks themselves that I’m missing? I haven’t seen anything of the Chipmunks since I was so young that I thought the Maytag man really did diddle Dudley’s doodle on that “very special” episode of “Diff’ rent Strokes”. Sadly, there were no Chipettes, perhaps in the sequel.

I really like Jason Lee, and I think he is better than his performance in this movie. I don’t blame the movie, I really think he could have done a better job with the material. Maybe it’s the director, Tim Hill’s fault (and with “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties” under his belt I have no problem placing any blame right at his feet). Lee has never come off as phony, like he did in some of these scenes, before. I’ve always thought he was a very natural actor, but he really overplayed this role. I guess he could have been going for that “live action cartoon” feel, but I think playing the straight man totally straight would have been more effective. David Cross (“Arrested Development”, “Mr. Show”) is Ian, the eeeeeeeevil record exec. He has sleazy down to a “T”, and he should, he does it a lot. I am a big fan of his and I think “Arrested Development” is one of the best sitcoms of all-time (partly due to him). I always loved “Mr. Show” as well, which succeeded despite it’s sometimes overbearing hipster irony. I really wish he could just get a role that he is perfectly suited for AND is a good movie. I’m sure he hates this movie. He bad mouths half of the projects that he works on it seems, and that is my biggest disconnect with him as a performer. I expect to hear him facetiously complaining about the shitty movies that he makes the next time I see him do stand-up, all the while knowing that he has no problem picking up the checks. That said, I would certainly sell out and do a shitty movie if I was offered one, I just wouldn’t bitch about it publicly.

At best I can say that “Alvin and the Chipmunks” wasn’t as bad as I was dreading it would be. I’m not saying it was good mind you, I’m just saying it wasn’t as horrible as I expected. But, when I see a movie like this I have to keep in mind that I am not the target audience. And I don’t mean that in the sense that I am not the target audience for an obvious “chick flick” like PS I Love You, or a movie like Good Luck Chuck (the target audience for which is functionally retarded, myspace-addicted, turd-eating Dane Cook fans – and is there any other kind?). Movies geared to grown-ups of any kind can be judged by grown-ups. But movies for kids, man, movies for kids are tough. This is not one of those great movies that looks like a movies for kids, but is really for everyone like “Ratatouille”, “The Incredibles” or “Iron Giant”. Those movies are good no matter how you look at them. Alvin and the Chipmunks is clearly a movie written for and targeted at children, and no one else. I don’t think the film makers gave the slightest consideration toward making this enjoyable for the parents that had to take their kids to it. It’s just easier to go low-brow, cram in some farts and a poop-eating joke and say it’s a kid’s movie. On second thought, Dane cook fans might like it too. The kids in the audience I saw it with loved it. They laughed (I cried), they even applauded at the end. So, if you (like me) just want your little darling to be happy, there is a good chance they’ll love it. And like I said, it wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be, barely even painful.

RATING: 4/10

PS – There is no listing in the credits, or on IMDB but their Maid in the one scene looked disturbingly like Paris Hilton with a black wig and a vicious tan. If anyone can confirm that please let me know so I can drop my rating down three points.