For the rest of…not so much.  Transformers 3 clatchets its’ way into the box office line up this weekend and analysts are pegging it’s holiday gross as high as $150-200M (from Wednesday to Monday night).  It’s the big July 4^th holiday movie, surrounded only by a meager Tom Hanks/Julia Robert drama-romance vehicle and some teen fodder via pop teen queen Selena Gomez’s new film – surely it can hit that number?  I’m going to say no, and here’s why:

First the story.  T3 picks up about 4 years from the last film.  Although it’s based in current day, it’s premise is rooted in the the past; the true life space race between the Soviets and the US in the 1960’s.  Apparently a strange, and very large, object crashed on the moon and the strong political push by then President John F. Kennedy and subsequently Richard Nixon, to get us on the moon was all about beating the Russians who also had the same intelligence.  When Neil Armstrong and company landed, their mission was truly about reconnaissance not just simple space exploration.  The crew discovers a crashed ship with a giant metal man at the helm proving the existence of life elsewhere (of course we know it’s a transformer, but which one?).  Meanwhile, at present day, the Autobots, led by Optimus Prime, continue their mission of helping the US to police the globe while quietly hunting Decepticons.  Our young hero Sam Witwicky has graduated from the Ivy League institution discretely funded by the US government, and now resides with his new girlfriend Carly in a pretty sweet bungalow on the hopping side of town.  Barred from government Transformer action, he discovers an ivy league education isn’t what it used to be as he struggles with unemployment while continuing to look for that next ‘dare to be great’ opportunity.  After bumbling into a job at a NASA funded thinktank, as of all things a mailboy, he stumbles onto information about a secret plan being hatched by the Decepticons involving the ‘dark side of the moon.’   Turns out, even that ship simply crashing on the moon with an unknown pilot was ‘more than meets the eye!’

Long winded huh?  Little bit?  That’s because this was a long film.  2 hours and 37 minutes to be exact, and that does not include previews.  This was Michael Bay’s ‘Titanic’ opus.  The only thing missing was his signature 360 degree pan-around-body shot (made famous in ‘Bad Boys’, and reused for ‘The Rock’ all the way up to his 2005 dud ‘The Island’).  This epic has to be hands down, some of the best CGI and in-and-out 3D I’ve seen on the big screen.   Even simple movements through traffic were detailed enough to provide 3D in almost every corner.  Some real care was taken in the editing room and you’ll hear all about it next Feb come Oscar time.

The problem is, so many mistakes were made in other places, it overshadows what is just a pure 3D delight (witness the promos of those men flying around the buildings…whooh!)  Let’s start with our hottie du jour Rosie Huntington-Whitely (Victoria Secret model turned actress) who portrays Sam’s love interest Carly.  No one is going to argue that this woman is hot, hey she’s a VS model – we know she’s hot.   But Bay made a similar mistake as he did with Megan Fox (Bad Boys) in the previous films.  Megan was too hot for the films, she overshadowed the cars, she was more of a visual distraction than the cheesy CGI blurs of transformation in the first film.  While Fox was distractingly hot, Whitely is just TOO HOT to be in such an unbelievable relationship.  Granted, Sam saved the world twice and has ‘sacked up’ for the cause, but experiencing a girlfriend like Megan Fox and then followed by a woman who is arguably just as hot, is just too unrealistic.  It’s like hitting the lottery twice for a zillion dollars…3 days apart!  It doesn’t happen.  Topple the pairing with the idea that he’s unemployed and she makes their living as an assistant curator for an eccentric millionaire who, queue the cliché, has a thing for her.  In her defense, I can’t blame her for the role, it’s all Director Michael Bay’s (Meatloaf’s epic music video, I Would Do Anything For Love) doing.  He likes pretty things and they are on display a-plenty here.  Bar scenes, work environments – there isn’t a single unattractive woman…anywhere.   He’ll even lead you to believe that Carly could endure this epic explosion laden, building crashing, high speed running, roof diving adventure all the while sporting 4 inch heels…without missing a step.

Continuing the horrid casting was the voice of Leonard Nimoy (TV’s Star Trek) as Sentinel Prime.  Not that his voice is so bad, and never once did I envision ‘Spock’ in my head as I listened.  Of course, that was all the way up until his robotic entity started spouting old lines from the Star Trek movies (I’m not kidding).  Speaking of voices, somebody chime in and give your thoughts on Optimus Prime’s voice throughout the film.  Call me crazy, but in some areas it almost sounded like a different person.  You can chalk up John Turturro’s (Do The Right Thing) reprisal of Agent Simmons to some really bad box office timing.  Turturro’s voice is currently featured in the new Cars film, and if you’ve seen it recently, hearing his voice and seeing him is going to feel a bit strange.  I kept thinking he was about to jump into an Italian race car and speed away towards the Decepticons.  The icing on the cake belongs to my sweetheart, Frances McDormand (Darkman) who takes a turn as a top level US government Director overseeing the Transformers operation.  Sadly, even she must submit to a storyline that degrades her into being a lovelorn fool trapped inside a grafty and stern exterior.

Adding to the oddities is this concept of ‘robot blood’ which seems new for the series.  For some reason, the filmmakers don’t believe we can grasp the true nature of a deadly blow to a robot unless we see the affected spewing something from their orifices.  And because its robot oil/blood, and not the real thing, it can safely ride a PG-13 rating?

Bottom line, this is a solid 3D vehicle and will definitely give you your money’s worth in that sense, but outside of that, don’t go thinking the promos are ‘more than meets the eye.’  If you want a great display of action and female eye-candy, this is your movie.  If you want a substantial story and a believable plot, you might want to look elsewhere.

3 Stars Out of 5

Transformers, Dark Of The Moon 3D is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language, some sexuality and innuendo.

The Summer of 2009 is already shaping up to be another good movie season. Next year we have two 80′s cartoons and former Marvel comic characters coming to the big screen. G.I. Joe will be arriving to show us how the special forces team copes with international terrorist organization, Cobra.  Meanwhile, Optimus Prime and his Autobots will be back to protect Earth from Megatron and the Decepticons.

In G.I.Joe we get a subtitle of “Rise of COBRA”

In Transformers we get a subtitle of “Revenge of the Fallen.”

One will rise and the other will get revenge.  Either way it will be a  clash of the 80′s titans that the audience will get to enjoy.

Now you know and knowing is half the battle.