I’ve had a reoccurring dream since I was a boy that involves humanity’s extinction here on earth. Ok, honestly… this dream is more like a fantasy, and by Earth I mean Macy’s or some giant department store, and by extinction I mean “I’m inside while they’re closed for the night”. Perhaps I was forced to watch Mannequin too many times while growing up, perhaps it was my fascination with other people’s property… either way the comparison works and you know it!

Ok, so we’re off to a rolling start. After breaking speed records we arrive in HARRISBURG, PA. (No… it’s not a misprint.) It seems that the closest Imax theaters playing The DARK KNIGHT/ JOKER featurette were Washington DC and Harrisburg, PA. Since I’d rather drive a red hot poker into the business end of both my kneecaps than drive to DC at 4pm on a Friday, we went to Pennsylvania.

The only thing I’ll say about the opening scenes of The Dark Knight preview-thing, is that from the second the opening DC COMICS logo flash up on the screen I didn’t breathe for 7 minutes. Wow, The Dark Knight is going to tear your face off!

Completely exhausted, I hunkered down for the beginning of I AM LEGEND. Will Smith is alone in Manhattan and for the first 5 minutes of the film I’m completely jealous. It’s not that Im antisocial, but I might give up your life for the chance to blaze a Shelby Mustang GT500 thru the barren overgrown streets of NYC! Now let me just stop for a second to tell you that evidently there’s some really badass plants growing in New York, because after only three years the streets, sidewalks and building are all overgrown with jungle foliage. I can’t get grass to grow on my lawn… EVER, but its shooting up through 5 inches of concrete and pavement in three years??? Also… I think its borderline retarded that Mr. Pinkett Smith is hunting deer with a muscle car and an assault rifle.

He are a couple videos of the GT500 being crashed thru a store front windo: (1, 2)

You get the premise, right? Virus wipes out everyone on earth. Robert Neville (Smith) remains in The City when it was quarantined and continues to try to develop a cure. His family isn’t around and oh yeah, there are ZOMBIES.

The first hour of the film was OK, showing Neville’s daily routine of patrolling the streets,

golfing, farming and playing with his dog Sam (who is the REAL star of this film) all while doing the best he can to not get his throat torn out by the “Darkness Lovers” (or some shit) and testing his antibodies on rats and Shiny Play-doe Skinned Demon Monsters he’s kidnapped. ………..Oh, and did I mention that He talks to Mannequins??

I hope I’m not giving away too much of the plot in telling you that I AM LEGEND is an hour and forty minute advert for Ford Motor Company. The story loses momentum about halfway in, and turns into every other zombie movie I’ve seen in the last 10 years. Smith is believable as a man stranded alone, and the emotional connection he has with Sam is very well expressed. THat being said, Will Smith plays the same role in this film that he does in ALL his movies, not counting Pursuit of Happyness, and Ali. You can replace any character from Wild Wild West, Independence Day, Men In Black, Hitch, or Bad Boys parts 1-7 and it would play out the same. There are several unresolved questions, many things the Director could have addressed to make the story fit more cohesively, but all-in-all it was a tolerable film to watch with 1 mildy scary scene. I rate it 5/10