The good news about 2009 was that it wasn’t as horrendous as some previous years. In fact, when the good films came to us, they were often truly great pieces of work sprinkled with decent efforts in between. Then of course you had those nuggets of crap that would get through the grinder and remind us that bad movies and filmmaking unfortunately still exists. It seemed for every two Hurt Lockers or Inglourious Basterds there was a Post-Grad or Year One that followed it. Or maybe this year, with all it’s great films, made the dookie stink even more than we’re used to. Instead of posting on my Twitter page ninety times a day about how much I don’t like these films, I’m going to take this opportunity to present the Ten Worst Films of 2009:

10. TAKING WOODSTOCK

Horrid, horrid, horrid doesn’t begin to describe this piece of donkey manure. When it’s not being anti-Semitic, the film pummels us with a useless plot about a completely unlikable lead while also not actually being about Woodstock itself. Ang Lee might say he was trying to be artful, but his real goal was punishing his audience for getting political about Brokeback Mountain and absolutely hating The Hulk. Congratulations sir, you’ve accomplished your revenge. The film also randomly goes into split-screen mode, for no reason other than just to do it. The trickery doesn’t serve the story, but it does serve the purpose of killing braincells.

9. POST-GRAD

Y’know what? I’m just going to go easy here and let a scene from Sin City describe how I felt after this atrocity against cinema:

8. YEAR ONE

This movie is legally retarded, even if it tries to tempt us by having Olivia Wilde in it. Michael Cera continues playing Timid Nerd and Jack Black plays Annoying Fat Guy, at least I assume those are their character names as I could care less to remember them. I’d also like to forget this pile of fly excrement that the once solid Harold Ramis bestowed upon us. It took at least three viewings of Ghostbusters to remind one self that Ramis still has some decency left in him, but this one really, really burns the soul. It also causes great worry for the upcoming Ghostbusters 3, as the screenwriters for this picture are rumored to be scripting it.

7. X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

True, I knew going in this was going to poop the bed, and yes expectations for this where as low as you could possibly get. Then an interesting thing happened when the lights dimmed and this movie started for me. Instead of make an honest to goodness decent X-Men film, Gavin Hood made his intentions with this film clear, that he was out to achieve the impossible. Not content with renowned hack Brett Ratner making the worst X film, Hood and his team of clowns sully a franchise that was already reeling. Everyone involved with this film not named Hugh Jackman, Liev Schrieber (who sadly has two films make this list) and Ryan Reynolds needs serious jail time.

6. FAST & FURIOUS

I absolutely hate this franchise, even more than the dreaded Twilight Saga. This has to do with the fact the first film in this sorry, despicable franchise completely steals every beat from my favorite film of all-time and doesn’t even care that it’s doing so. This entry is the least offensive of all four films, and free looks at Jordana Brewster are always welcome which is what’s saving this movie from appearing higher. Regardless, it still has asinine writing, acting, and almost terrible directing. Almost terrible, because Justin Lin seems to at least be giving a modest effort. Shamefully, it won’t be going to a better, more original, less criminal franchise.

5. MISS MARCH

If you’re going to do a comedy about Playboy and the Playboy Mansion, you’d better show what made that magazine famous in the first place. Miss March fails at that, as it does to even evoke any sort of laughs out of anyone with fully functioning common sense. In fact, rumors are swirling that anyone who purchases this DVD or Blu-ray are asked if they’d like a complimentary pistol-whipping or clubbing with a baseball bat. Seventy-two percent of idiots who bought it chose pistol-whipping as it somehow makes them come to their senses about the piece of crap they’ll be injecting into their players.

4. I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER

When a fellow critic is the funniest thing in the movie theater because of the comments he’s making, you know you’re in trouble. Normally, there’s an unwritten rule of critics not making comments during a picture, but dang it if I Love You, Beth Cooper just didn’t ask to be made fun of. One wonders if the film would have been more entertaining if they showed the IMAX version of Avatar on that ginormous forehead of hers, or how many times between takes Paul Rust poked her eye out with his nose. Director/Torture Master Chris Columbus said he wanted to make a “throwback John Hughes film” only failing to realize what made those watchable.

3. ALL ABOUT STEVE

Sandra, oh Sandra. While I didn’t hate it, The Proposal wasn’t my cup of tea but I could understand the appeal of yet another romantic comedy with a suave Ryan Reynolds, so our relationship wasn’t damaged. Then came wind of the terrible accent in a film about a Baltimore Raven in The Blind Side and that’s when problems between us started. And then came this marvel of idiocy, and we were through. This movie is the epitome of everything wrong with comedy, and lets women know it’s ok to stalk a man, even if he’s on the job. Reportedly it was shelved for two years and only saw release when Bradley Cooper’s The Hangover generated good buzz. This is one side-effect that should have stayed forgotten.

2. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON

Pass. Just, pass.

1. JENNIFER’S BODY

Forget that this film is a pure girl power movie, and forget that there were outcries it wasn’t popular because of it. This is just a piss-poorly made film that absolutely deserves to be called the worst film of 2009. This is the one that finally exposes Diablo Cody for the terrible writer that she is and while New Moon promotes domestic abuse, Cody takes it one step further and proclaims that date rape is a wonderful thing and all women should aspire for that. Add to that the horrendous dialoge the film tries to pass off as ‘chic’ coupled with the outright stupidity of almost every plot point and this is a film that doesn’t even want to redeem itself. It’s perfectly content with being the suckfest that it is as it thinks it’s the cool kid on the block. You’re not, as you’re uncompromising douche who needs to just run away from cinema as far as you can.

But wait, there’s actually a film that’s so crappy it’s actually worse than the ten films I’ve listed. It’s just recently been released, which kind of defeats the old proverb “save the best for last.” I present to you…

Does it count because it was direct-to-video? Who cares, but somehow Wrong Turn 3 managed to be decent. This…wow. I don’t think there’s any word in the human, xenomorph, or Na’vi dictionary that describe how horrendous this movie is. Action is poorly framed, the acting just doesn’t exist, and the plot rips off Die Hard just as bad as Fast and the Furious sullied Point Break. Anyone who thinks Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or Land of the Lost is the worst experience known to man has yet to encounter this piece to terrible. Argue with me if you will about what shouldn’t and should be on here, but let’s all agree this trash needs to be taken out and burned.

And that concludes it. Hopefully none of you had to suffer as much as I did this year, and let’s hope 2010 doesn’t bring us anything nearly as horrid. As usual, tell me how wrong I am below.

As an added bonus, who can guess how many 20th Century Fox films made this list? I don’t have a vendetta against them, but they need to fire Tom Rothman and stop putting out crap year after year.

Sacha Baron Cohen takes over the box office again, this time with his gay Austrian fame seeker in the mockumentary, Bruno. Taking in about 30 million, despite the overall slightly weakened amount of people flooding down to the theaters, Bruno still caught the eyes of people who took in Borat and loved it just like myself. With what appears to have possibly been in some people’s minds as a fight for first between the teen comedy I Love You, Beth Cooper and Bruno, the second of the two won within the first round.

I Love You, Beth Cooper, starring Hayden Panettiere, Paul Rust, Jack Carpenter and others, did not perform as well as it could have. Only scratching at the surface with 4.9 million, this high school graduation night film did not reach out towards its target audience as well as it could have. Possibly, if the film would have been released around early June which is technically high school graduation time, I’m sure the appeal of it to the teenage masses would have drawn in more sales, but that’s just me.

Everything else maintained the same sales as the previous week, except for the now slowly falling Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Even though it did break some box office records and has a hefty profit from tickets, the robot friendly movie is sliding itself down into third with 24.2 million. The rest of the box office is listed below:

Weekend Box Office (July 10-12)

1. Bruno  ($30.6 Million)
2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs  ($27.6 Million)
3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen  ($24.2 Million)
4. Public Enemies  ($13.7 Million)
5. The Proposal  ($10.6 Million)
6. The Hangover  ($9.9 Million)
7. I Love You, Beth Cooper  ($4.9 Million)
8. Disney/Pixar’s Up  ($4.7 Million)
9. My Sister’s Keeper  ($4.2 Million)
10. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3  ($1.5 Million)

Get your wands at the ready, because this Wednesday is the release of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Then jumping its way out into limited theaters is 500 Days of Summer, Bull and many others.

My friend and confidant, the roving radio guy Kevin Finnerty is well known for making some pretty hilarious comments during films. For instance during one film he shouted midway through “I want to leave.” Another time, when a film was dragging terribly, he said “Oh, let it end.” Sometimes his thoughts are summed up by a simple “Ugh,” or “oh boy.” He even interacts with the characters on screen like when one asks “Do you still love me?” Kevin will reply “No.” Given the right (or wrong) film, Kevin can make the experience somewhat enjoyable. What does this have to do with I Love You, Beth Cooper? Quite simply, Kevin was the funniest part of this complete waste of time, money, and film.

Which is bigger, my boobs or forehead?

It’s going to be tough to not use obscenities to describe this picture but one can try. In addition, the negativity that’s going to be directed toward this movie might make me run out of bad words to use for it. Beth Cooper lacks the ingridients necessary to make a movie, good or bad. There’s no point mentioning a script, direction, or acting because the man in charge of this torture Chris Colombus doesn’t believe this movie needs any of that. What he subscribes to is putting a camera somewhere and telling the performers to do something. Gone is the three act structure that even Lessons of Terrible Twilight and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation try to follow. What this medieval torture tries to do is emulate a John Hughes movie but forgot to bring everything that made those slightly enjoyable. Scenes just occur with no cohesion which is common when a film lacks a plot or this lovely thing called character development. The film is an hour and twenty minutes shorter than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen yet it feels like it will never end. It feels like some sick joke Chris Colombus is trying to play on an audience to see how long they can stand being pummeled.

Paul Rust looks nothing, absolutely nothing close to a high-school student even with his anteater nose. Yes, his looks are supposed to repulse one as much as the film he’s in, but he looks like a creepy pedophile trying to bang the popular girl. He’s confused half the time probably because he has nothing to go on as the master of torture (director) and the architect of pain (screenwriter Larry Doyle) choose not to provide him anything. Equally as horrid as Hayden Panettiere as the title character who doesn’t need her character to be hatable. She’s unlikable from the moment she’s on screen and only gets worse as she plagues the film with her venom. Her line delivery sucks and her IMAX sized forehead makes her unsexy. The problem with both of these characters is that they wouldn’t be able to stand each other. Yes, it’s a movie after all but forgetting that these two have zero chemistry, they just wouldn’t get along at all.

The supporting cast doesn’t provide much as they’re given as much to do as the leads. Jack T. Carpenter is a stereotype of the “best friend who might be gay” and thinks that means annoy us to death. He’s a saint though compared to someone who should never come onto a set again in Lauren Storm. If there was a way to send her a letter to not step onto a film set again, she’d have it in her mailbox very, very soon. Her agenda in this film is to give the worst performance by a female ever, a task at which she undeniably excels at. Every time her mouth opens it causes physical pain to the audience’s body making one grab their heart in agony. Complementing her well is Shawn Roberts as Kevin, the alpha male douche boyfriend of Beth Cooper. He deserves to have his acting priviledges revoked for one year for his crimes committed here. Sadly, veterans Alan Ruck and Cynthia Stevenson ought to be ashamed of themselves even if they are just collecting paychecks.

Honestly, there’s not much else to say than to beg with the audience to not go near this film. It redefines terrible in ways not thought possible. It’s the worst film of the last five years, and most of the critics at my screening started our own little Myster Science Theater session midway through this crap. On a personal note, I flipped off the screen multiple times in hopes that the film print would somehow burn up and spare us from this new form of torture. To quote another film, ‘this was worse than cancer.’ It’s too easy to say I Hate You, Beth Cooper so instead I’ll say I Wish The Bubonic Plague, Want to Pull Your Heart Out, and Eat It While You Watch, Beth Cooper.

If I could give it a lower grade, I would.

Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆ 

Straight from the friendly people at Twentieth Century Fox, everyone is invited to participate in a special promotion for the upcoming Hayden Panettiere film, I Love You, Beth Cooper. The film is a motion picture comedy when the school’s valedictorian proclaims his love for the hottest and most popular girl in school during his graduation speech. You too can take part in it while participating in Beth Cooper Moments of Truth.

"Woah...what a confession."

Moments of Truth is where you can post a special message that you’ve wanted to say to anyone, whether that’d be a family member or crush. Those few that are selected will be placed on promotional Television spots for the upcoming film I Love You, Beth Cooper. Panettiere has up her own special video that demonstrates how the actual format works, encouraging all of you to take part in it. Go to the I Love You Beth Cooper website to check out how it goes and send in your stuff right away. Facebook, Myspace and Youtube are all taking part in this as well, along with a special Twitter tool that allows people to ‘tweet’ their confessions through their own account or anonymously. So what are you waiting for? Spread the love to millions out there.

I Love You, Beth Cooper, a novel adaptation directed by Chris Columbus (Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone) is set out for release nationwide on July 10th.

Fox pulls the Atomic from it's toes

Big time movie studio 20th Century Fox has decided to shut the doors down for good on its sub division, Fox Atomic. Originally created to appeal to teens without bursting their own pocket on creating these features, the hits have been very scarce. From bomb-tastic pieces such as the recent Miss March to Turistas, there has not been so much luck getting this section of the studio up off the ground.

The plan for those who were under Fox Atomic will either end up attaching themselves to the main piece of the company or hit the road. The fates of films that are more or less completed and are set to be released this year is figured out, having release their last string of films and then not producing anymore from that division. Among the upcoming films is Meagan Fox’s Jennifer’s Body, Alexis Bledel’s The Post Grad Survival Guide and Hayden Panettiere’s I Love You Beth Cooper. Keep on the lookout for each one of these films, bowing into theaters during the summer (Post Grad and Beth Cooper) and fall (Jennifer’s Body).