The good news about 2009 was that it wasn’t as horrendous as some previous years. In fact, when the good films came to us, they were often truly great pieces of work sprinkled with decent efforts in between. Then of course you had those nuggets of crap that would get through the grinder and remind us that bad movies and filmmaking unfortunately still exists. It seemed for every two Hurt Lockers or Inglourious Basterds there was a Post-Grad or Year One that followed it. Or maybe this year, with all it’s great films, made the dookie stink even more than we’re used to. Instead of posting on my Twitter page ninety times a day about how much I don’t like these films, I’m going to take this opportunity to present the Ten Worst Films of 2009:

10. TAKING WOODSTOCK

Horrid, horrid, horrid doesn’t begin to describe this piece of donkey manure. When it’s not being anti-Semitic, the film pummels us with a useless plot about a completely unlikable lead while also not actually being about Woodstock itself. Ang Lee might say he was trying to be artful, but his real goal was punishing his audience for getting political about Brokeback Mountain and absolutely hating The Hulk. Congratulations sir, you’ve accomplished your revenge. The film also randomly goes into split-screen mode, for no reason other than just to do it. The trickery doesn’t serve the story, but it does serve the purpose of killing braincells.

9. POST-GRAD

Y’know what? I’m just going to go easy here and let a scene from Sin City describe how I felt after this atrocity against cinema:

8. YEAR ONE

This movie is legally retarded, even if it tries to tempt us by having Olivia Wilde in it. Michael Cera continues playing Timid Nerd and Jack Black plays Annoying Fat Guy, at least I assume those are their character names as I could care less to remember them. I’d also like to forget this pile of fly excrement that the once solid Harold Ramis bestowed upon us. It took at least three viewings of Ghostbusters to remind one self that Ramis still has some decency left in him, but this one really, really burns the soul. It also causes great worry for the upcoming Ghostbusters 3, as the screenwriters for this picture are rumored to be scripting it.

7. X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

True, I knew going in this was going to poop the bed, and yes expectations for this where as low as you could possibly get. Then an interesting thing happened when the lights dimmed and this movie started for me. Instead of make an honest to goodness decent X-Men film, Gavin Hood made his intentions with this film clear, that he was out to achieve the impossible. Not content with renowned hack Brett Ratner making the worst X film, Hood and his team of clowns sully a franchise that was already reeling. Everyone involved with this film not named Hugh Jackman, Liev Schrieber (who sadly has two films make this list) and Ryan Reynolds needs serious jail time.

6. FAST & FURIOUS

I absolutely hate this franchise, even more than the dreaded Twilight Saga. This has to do with the fact the first film in this sorry, despicable franchise completely steals every beat from my favorite film of all-time and doesn’t even care that it’s doing so. This entry is the least offensive of all four films, and free looks at Jordana Brewster are always welcome which is what’s saving this movie from appearing higher. Regardless, it still has asinine writing, acting, and almost terrible directing. Almost terrible, because Justin Lin seems to at least be giving a modest effort. Shamefully, it won’t be going to a better, more original, less criminal franchise.

5. MISS MARCH

If you’re going to do a comedy about Playboy and the Playboy Mansion, you’d better show what made that magazine famous in the first place. Miss March fails at that, as it does to even evoke any sort of laughs out of anyone with fully functioning common sense. In fact, rumors are swirling that anyone who purchases this DVD or Blu-ray are asked if they’d like a complimentary pistol-whipping or clubbing with a baseball bat. Seventy-two percent of idiots who bought it chose pistol-whipping as it somehow makes them come to their senses about the piece of crap they’ll be injecting into their players.

4. I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER

When a fellow critic is the funniest thing in the movie theater because of the comments he’s making, you know you’re in trouble. Normally, there’s an unwritten rule of critics not making comments during a picture, but dang it if I Love You, Beth Cooper just didn’t ask to be made fun of. One wonders if the film would have been more entertaining if they showed the IMAX version of Avatar on that ginormous forehead of hers, or how many times between takes Paul Rust poked her eye out with his nose. Director/Torture Master Chris Columbus said he wanted to make a “throwback John Hughes film” only failing to realize what made those watchable.

3. ALL ABOUT STEVE

Sandra, oh Sandra. While I didn’t hate it, The Proposal wasn’t my cup of tea but I could understand the appeal of yet another romantic comedy with a suave Ryan Reynolds, so our relationship wasn’t damaged. Then came wind of the terrible accent in a film about a Baltimore Raven in The Blind Side and that’s when problems between us started. And then came this marvel of idiocy, and we were through. This movie is the epitome of everything wrong with comedy, and lets women know it’s ok to stalk a man, even if he’s on the job. Reportedly it was shelved for two years and only saw release when Bradley Cooper’s The Hangover generated good buzz. This is one side-effect that should have stayed forgotten.

2. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON

Pass. Just, pass.

1. JENNIFER’S BODY

Forget that this film is a pure girl power movie, and forget that there were outcries it wasn’t popular because of it. This is just a piss-poorly made film that absolutely deserves to be called the worst film of 2009. This is the one that finally exposes Diablo Cody for the terrible writer that she is and while New Moon promotes domestic abuse, Cody takes it one step further and proclaims that date rape is a wonderful thing and all women should aspire for that. Add to that the horrendous dialoge the film tries to pass off as ‘chic’ coupled with the outright stupidity of almost every plot point and this is a film that doesn’t even want to redeem itself. It’s perfectly content with being the suckfest that it is as it thinks it’s the cool kid on the block. You’re not, as you’re uncompromising douche who needs to just run away from cinema as far as you can.

But wait, there’s actually a film that’s so crappy it’s actually worse than the ten films I’ve listed. It’s just recently been released, which kind of defeats the old proverb “save the best for last.” I present to you…

Does it count because it was direct-to-video? Who cares, but somehow Wrong Turn 3 managed to be decent. This…wow. I don’t think there’s any word in the human, xenomorph, or Na’vi dictionary that describe how horrendous this movie is. Action is poorly framed, the acting just doesn’t exist, and the plot rips off Die Hard just as bad as Fast and the Furious sullied Point Break. Anyone who thinks Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or Land of the Lost is the worst experience known to man has yet to encounter this piece to terrible. Argue with me if you will about what shouldn’t and should be on here, but let’s all agree this trash needs to be taken out and burned.

And that concludes it. Hopefully none of you had to suffer as much as I did this year, and let’s hope 2010 doesn’t bring us anything nearly as horrid. As usual, tell me how wrong I am below.

As an added bonus, who can guess how many 20th Century Fox films made this list? I don’t have a vendetta against them, but they need to fire Tom Rothman and stop putting out crap year after year.

Ruben Fleischer’s Zombieland hacked away at the competition, making an estimated $25 million during its opening weekend. The new horror comedy hit expectations, proving that the sub genre is still very much alive. Starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin, this film once hyped up at this year’s Comic-Con paid off big time at the box office. The same cannot be said for the three other films that were in competition that got swept under the rug thanks to the never ending zombie craze.

Still holding strong onto second place is Sony Pictures Animation’s own Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, taking in another $15.8 million. The children’s book adaptation, starring the voice talents of Bill Hader and Anna Faris, at this point will probably continue making a strong stand until Spike Jonze’s Where The Wild Things Are claws into theaters this mid-October. Then we trickle over to the re-release of Disney/Pixar’s monster cgi animated franchise, Toy Story. For two weeks only, the first two films are released into theaters nationwide in 3D for everyone to watch again, and to get everyone refreshed for the third edition to the films this next summer. The 3D event got the kids back into the theater and wanting more Buzz Lightyear and Woody, bringing in $12.4 million to the table.

The ones that seemed to struggle to find an audience was the Ricky Gervais starring film The Invention of Lying and Drew Barrymore’s Whip It. The off beat comedy from Gervais, that also included the talents of Jennifer Garner and Rob Lowe, got people to ‘see the truth’ with a whopping $7 million weekend opening. Drew Barrymore’s directing debut became fairly unnoticed, only managing to take in $4.6 million despite fairly positive reviews.

Honorably bad mentions go to the Christian Alvart directed film Pandorum which has only managed to make $7.8 million despite its $40 million dollar budget. Not all comic book adaptations make back their own bank, and the Bruce Willis starring science fiction thriller Surrogates is a prime example. Sadly the alternative present set film can only wrangle up an estimated $26 million though its budget of $80 million says otherwise. The Diablo Cody written horror comedy Jennifer’s Body joins the ranks of almost-there makers who take in $14.7 million despite its low $16 million budget. At this point one would figure with such apparently hot commodity like Megan Fox, one could make their budget back easily. Here’s the rest of the top ten for the weekend below:

Weekend Box Office (October 2-4)

1. Zombieland  ($25 Million)
2. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs  ($15.8 Million)
3. Toy Story 1 & 2 in 3D  ($12.4 Million)
4. Surrogates  ($7.2 Million)
5. The Invention of Lying  ($7 Million)
6. Whip It  ($4.65 Million)
7. Fame  ($4.62 Million)
8. Capitalism: A Love Story  ($4.4 Million)
9. The Informant! ($3.6 Million)
10. Love Happens  ($2.7 Million)

Let’s get ready for some more horror and other films with the releases of Trick R Treat onto DVD this tuesday. The rest of the films going out into theaters are An Education, Free Style, Trucker, The Damned United, and Couple’s Retreat.

Perhaps no screenwriter has so swiftly risen to success, been awarded the profession’s highest honor of an Academy Award, and been so swiftly lambasted afterward for her work as Diablo Cody. The box office for Jennifer’s Body partly reflects a popular disdain for her kitschy style, only gathering just over $7 million on it’s opening weekend.

That’s not really terrible (the budget of the film was $16 million), but it’s pretty terrible, especially considering the marketing behind the film. After listening to interviews with Cody, I sense that she’s the kind of person who follows her bliss and would likely move in a different direction than screenwriting at the drop of a hat. However, with the news that she’s adapting the book series “Sweet Valley High,” it seems that Jennifer’s Body and Juno backlash aren’t enough to kill Diablo.

Cody will also produce the film version of the novels for Universal alongside Mason Novick, Adam Siegel and Marc Platt.

While I’m unfamiliar with the novels — they’re not really up my alley — it seems there’s been literally hundreds of them, along with a TV series in the mid-1990s. The novels “followed the lives of identical twins with dissimilar personalities — the sensitive and practical Elizabeth and the flighty and boy-crazy Jessica — in the fictional town of Sweet Valley.” Yeah. I can see how Cody might be interested in that.

If the film’s not being fast-tracked, it’s likely to not be pushed forward until 2010. In the meantime, Diablo Cody is producing an adaptation of Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament for Fox Searchlight, scripted by Geoff LaTulippe.

A cannibalistic cheerleader could not rip away from the shreds of thick and juicy meatballs as Jennifer’s Body is toppled over by the Sony Pictures Animation comedy Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. Bringing in the voice talents of Bill Hader, Anna Faris, Neil Patrick Harris, James Caan and others, the delectable feature brought in 30.1 million over its opening weekend. With the strongly positive word of mouth rising from the film, it will perform fine for weeks to come.

This is not the case for the hyped up Diablo Cody written horror comedy Jennifer’s Body. Ripping in only 6.8 million on it’s opening, the Megan Fox vehicle is already speeding right into a ditch. Movie reviews that have come out recently, including our own from Atomic Popcorn, have mainly panned the film leading up to a some what poisonous word of mouth.

Steven Soderbergh’s directed dramedy The Informant! caught some people’s attention when it brought in 10.5 million. The romantic drama Love Happens swirled into the scene bringing in 8.4 million, despite the supposed ‘sweetheart’ Jennifer Aniston co-starring alongside Aaron Eckhart.

What became the biggest of the headlines for this weekend’s box office is none other than Quentin Tarantino’s World War II film Inglourious Basterds. The famous director made his own box office feat when Basterds trumped over his 1994 hit Pulp Fiction. Inglourious Basterds has taken in about 109 million domestically so far, beating the record previously held up by Pulp Fiction’s 107 million dollar domestic gross.

“We have been Quentin’s biggest fans since the beginning. It was extremely gratifying to see ‘Inglourious Basterds’ put up such huge numbers. It is a kick ass film from a director who always keeps me and audiences on their toes,” says Harvey Weinstein in response to the new benchmark. The Weinstein Company will continue introducing new films to the general public this year, including Rob Marshall’s “Nine” and John Hillcoat’s “The Road”.

Take a look below at the top ten of this weekend’s box office:

Weekend Box Office (September 18-20)

1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs  ($30.1 Million)
2. The Informant!   ($10.5 Million)
3. Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself  ($10 Million)
4. Love Happens  ($8.4 Million)
5. Jennifer’s Body  ($6.8 Million)
6. Shane Acker’s 9  ($5.4 Million)
7. Inglourious Basterds  ($3.6 Million)
8. All About Steve  ($3.4 Million)
9. Sorority Row  ($2.4 Million)
10. The Final Destination  ($2.3 Million)

It’s time to get ready for another fresh batch of movies this upcoming weekend. Among them are Coco Before Chanel, Blind Date, Paranormal Activity, Fame, Pandorum, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, Surrogates and The Boys Are Back.

Friends, I have just received new demands. My colleagues say I’m being a troll. We have to be nice. Diablo Cody, and any bad comments toward her, must be saved for private and not told directly to her, and our compadres, whose souls shriveled while they watched the subject movie, will have lost time. But we can all still be nice.  Meanwhile, screenwriting ideas like good dialogue, story structure, and likeable characters get packed up. But we can all be nice.

Well, I’m not being nice. I’m going to get in front of my Macbook, and I’m going to log on here, and I’m going to kick that sorry excuse of a film Jennifer’s Body‘s ass so hard, that the next Diablo Cody wannabe is going to feel it.

There’s a reason Quentin Tarantino’s dialogue works like it does. The man may indulge in himself a little much, but he gives his characters voices. One can distinctly identify with Hans Landa’s speech and mannerisms just as they can with Ordell Robbie. He might repeat themes, but Tarantino knows how to make strong, unique characters with snappy dialogue that fits them. They will make pop culture references, but none of them do it in a manner where it feels like one character talking to his or herself.

Diablo Cody fails miserably at this, as well as trying to write a film in general. Now I’ll admit I spat in the theaters Juno played in, but I approached this latest monstrosity with an open mind, hoping for something along the lines of Drag Me to Hell. That was my fault, as Raimi’s horror story was funny, smart, cheesy and actually engaging, proving that fun horror films should be left to people who actually know how to write a film. If Juno wasn’t enough evidence Cody had zero talent as a writer, then Jennifer’s Body needs to move up to Exhibit A.

Her characters have no voice except hers. Granted, that’s the point of view of anyone writing a screenplay, but Cody could have every single character talking in exactly the same voice if it served in any way whatsoever to drive the plot forward. These characters have no identity except that of the lead character: in this case, Needy (Amanda Seyfried). I beg anyone who enjoys self-torture and sits through this monstrosity to tell me five distinct characteristics of Jennifer, then identify one of them that is not visible in Needy. The only thing that differentiates them in this viewer’s opinion is that Jennifer dresses like a filthy whore and Needy wears clothes my grandmothers would find old-fashioned. Characters need characteristics to make the viewer characterize them. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra did a better job of dealing different character cards, and that was a big ensemble.

That same film also did a better job of structuring its story and lending some explanation to its plentiful elements. Cody just assumes we’ll buy that a bar catches fire for NO APPARENT REASON. What caused the fire, you ask? The film never explains but exploits the damage done for the duration of its own assault (also referred to as runtime). Another thing Cody forgets to share with us is how exactly Jennifer gets transformed into a boy-huntin’ psychopath in the first place. Sure, we see her tied, sacrificed, then murdered. And yes, some lines are recited to summon ‘the beast’. However, we never see the actual transformation from dead human to violent beast. My guess is that these are moments Cody wants us to take as “so cool it doesn’t need an explanation” (e.g. – think the chicken in The Hangover) but uses this for key plot elements and not a MacGuffin. It’s also incredibly easy to predict where the film is going with its opening scene – there’s no subtlety here.

But enough about the trash that is the screenplay, no one else seems to be helping make the film remotely watchable. Karyn Kusama sleepwalks through it, or she tried the best with nothing. Whatever the case, her timing is off and she’s not helping the film rise above the sum of its parts. Then, of course, we have Megan Fox as the title character (and she’s just as good here as she was in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen). She’s gorgeous and trashy, no doubt, but she’s also frequently laughable and despicable. Amanda Seyfried fares no better, which should be a Greek tragedy when one factors in what she did in Mean Girls. She just reads off lines, never giving them the oopmh or pizazz they need to effectively imply that someone could have meant them. Johnny Simmons looks like he’s in a completely different film as her boyfriend, Chip. Everything either shocks or bores him, especially the sex scene with Amanda. He also carries this spaced-out look all the way through the movie, like he’s still suffering from being in The Spirit. The same could be said for the rest of the cast that includes J.K. Simmons, Adam Brody, Amy Sedaris, and Chris Pratt. All of them just show up, decidedly bored and appear to be reading their lines off cue cards.

I’ll repeat what I said earlier about this film; Diablo Cody should stop writing screenplays. Her characters aren’t extensions of the leading player but are the exact same as them. Her use of ‘trendy’ dialogue is atrocious and no one in the real world talks like these people. Or should I say this person, because everyone is supposed to speak exactly like each other in her world. However, Juno started to tell a new story in its last thirty minutes, a fiasco that proves Cody can’t structure a film properly. Things are just supposed to happen and we, the audience, are supposed to be OK with it because we’ll be sprouting drivel like “you need a manny.” In the words of Myron Cope, I say “Mm HA!” Her future screenplays could be used to keep children on the streets warmed in the wintertime as they’re set ablaze.

This might feel like a personal attack on Ms. Cody, and while I will admit I am blasting her, it’s her film that just isn’t even remotely good. Outside of the venomous script, the acting, directing and everything else that goes into making a decent film is missed in this movie. It wants to be a callback to the ’80′s horror films but should have been shelved – Raimi already did that, perfectly, way back in May. So speaking of Jennifer’s Body being undeserving of a zero out of five stars, it gets the dishonor of being something worse.

GO TO HELL OUT OF FIVE STARS

The Hollywood vixen of sorts Megan Fox rips her way onto the big screen in Diablo Cody’s penned up feature Jennifer’s Body. Here is yet another tease of sorts (literally and figuratively) with the international poster for the upcoming film. Fox stars as a possessed cheerleader who fills up her spare time by eating up teenage boys. Her best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) tries to put a stop to it and make sure she keeps her boyfriend (Adam Brody) off of the menu as well. Jennifer’s Body comes out, from the good people at Fox Atomic, in theaters everywhere September 18th.

Diablo Cody’s latest written horror comedy that is emerging onto the big screen, Jennifer’s Body, now has itself a poster. Starring every other man’s celebrity crush Megan Fox as a possessed cheerleader who’s idea of a fun night out includes eating up teenage boys, this horror comedy is going to already bring in the crowds. Along side her is Big Love and Mamma Mia! star Amanda Seyfried as the best friend who tries to snap her deranged friend out of the curse, also with Adam Brody (The OC). Directed by Karyn Kusama and set to come out on September 18th, here is a look at the poster thanks to the guys of BloodyDisgusting.com!

The most-likely-to-be new popular film directed by Karyn Kusama & written up by Juno writer/Oscar winner Diablo Cody is the seductively witty and graphic horror comedy, Jennifer’s Body. Starring Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried, this cheerleader’s version of a good night out involves the good and scrumptious food of other teenage men. Her best friend (Seyfried) is trying to find out what exactly possessed her and finally put a stop to this before its too late.

Check out the exclusive red band trailer from the guys at ShockTillYouDrop below: