Guy gets girl.  Guy loses girl because he’s a zookeeper.  Animals decide to help a brother out.  How many times have we seen that story?  Only this once, thank goodness.  Zookeeper suffers from a serious case of Shot-It’s-Wad-itis; all of the good stuff is in the trailer.  That’s right, everything worth seeing?  You’ve seen already.  The rest is yawn-worthy at best, complete garbage at it’s lowest point.  And there are a whole lotta lows.

Here’s where I tell y’all more of the plot.  But since there isn’t anything more than a tag-line, let’s just get to what makes me want to cry.  It’s sad that Kevin James put so much out there on this film.  He’s trying his best to charm you here, but the movie ain’t worth his effort.  The animals are cute, that’s true.  But the interaction with James’ Griffin the zookeeper flip-flops from adult “wink wink, knowwhatImean” chitchat to pee jokes.  Add this movie to the pile of films that try to shoot for the middle ground and end up entertaining nobody.

The supporting human characters are cardboard cutouts, so much so that I didn’t bother to register names.  There’s Griffin’s love interest, The Girl.  Griffin’s co-workers, The Creepy Guy, The Douche and The Nice Woman Who Is Better Than The Girl.  And let’s not forget The Guy That May Be Griffin’s Brother But Is So Underwritten Who Knows.  Yawn.  The animal characters have great potential, seeing as how they’re voiced by Adam Sandler, Cher, Maya Rudolph Judd Apatow, Sylvester Stallone and friggin’ Nick Nolte for crying out loud.  But in a movie where the end all, be all is talking animals?  They don’t get enough to do.  Considering director Frank Coraci helmed The Wedding Singer and The Waterboy and this picture is produced by Sandler’s Happy Madison Productions, I expected more.  Hell, I’d expect more from the kids in Super 8.  Their version of this movie I probably would have enjoyed.

Stephanie — The Girl — is played by the criminally underused Leslie Bibb; can someone get her a decent movie or tv series?  (Yes, I’m still bitter that Popular was cancelled.)  Her character is so one-note that it’d be hard for Meryl Streep to flesh her out.  And even so, with such a bland, vapid moneywhore, who even cares?  And why, oh why, was Griffin so enamored by this witch?  Wait, did he get hired for his job thanks to “Hire An Idiot Day” or something?  And speaking of actors who deserve better, Rosario Dawson plays “The Nice Woman” Kate, and she lights up the screen every time she’s on.  But that sparkle only shoves the flaws in this movie out into the light.  She’s in the only scene in this movie that’s worth watching, the wedding reception scene where Kate bonds with Griffin as they swing on aerialist silks.  It’s a glimpse of what the movie could have been, if the powers-that-be hadn’t wanted to pander to the lowest common denominator.

But the thing that chaps me the most is the completely incomprehensible storyline.  You can’t tell me that a keeper, someone who has to have a background in science in order to snag the job, could be stupid enough to pull some of the idiotic crap Griffin does.  Animals giving a zookeeper advice on love based on what they do in the wild is a great idea for a story.  But you’ve got to give it some spark of believability…and we’re given Griffin weeing into potted plants during a wedding reception.  Huh?  Maybe there is something to the “Hire An Idiot Day” thing after all.   Yes, this is a comedy.  But there’s funny and then there’s…well, as Red from That 70′s Show would put it, there’s being a dumbass.  Kevin James gives his all to flesh out his character, and Griffin is a sweetheart.  But it ain’t enough, not nearly enough, to save this movie.

What worries me is that the kids who head to this movie will believe that wild animals are just sitting at zoos, waiting to be their besties if only they’d get close enough to chat.  Take the money you would have spent on this movie and spend it at the Baltimore Zoo (or the National Zoo — shout out to my hometown haunt!) instead.  You’ll get more out of it, and the money will go to a good cause.  No, not the animals, though that’s good too.  But if you choose to spend your money at a real Zoo instead of on this dreck, there’ll be no chance of a Zookeeper sequel.

Five lifelong friends and their families, teen angst, human frailty, sacrifice & togetherness, occasional passing of gas by Grand Ma, and even the coolest multi-guy method to ogle women without them noticing (shift…shift…shift!) – Grown Ups, opening this weekend in multiplexes, has something for the entire family, from 8 to 80. Mom’s, Dad’s, teens, pre-teens, 20’s, 30’s and even a wee 6 year old can embrace and enjoy this film. Leave it to Adam Sandler (who co-wrote and co-produced the film) to release such a wildly funny and empathetic series of characters that reflect our times, our harried lives, our offspring and even our inner child.

The film opens in 1978 (and looks every bit of it. Hats off to the films’ production designer, the 70’s look and feel is incredibly vivid and remarkably accurate down to their clothing). Five friends seal the win of the big championship basketball game and are lauded by their coach for delivering what becomes the only championship during his 30 year tenure as faculty in the small town. When their coach passes away, the town plans a remembrance over the 4th of July holiday weekend which brings the all-star team back to town. Lenny (Adam Sandler – Anger Management), Kurt (Chris Rock – New Jack City), Eric (Kevin James – TV’s King Of Queens), Rob (Rob Schneider – Deuce Bigalow), and Marcus (David Spade – Tommy Boy), who are now 40 plus, return with families and complications of their own in tow.

The heart of this film is its’ concept of family and the barrage of one-liners and pithy comebacks. Even after 30 years apart, when the team regroups, they launch into a consistent onslaught of insults and ball busting. The insult concept becomes so pervasive that it doesn’t seem at all odd when the wives begin to exhibit the same behavior. Their respective families are each a story within themselves. From Rob’s twisted mating tastes in women who are 20-30 years his senior, to Eric’s emasculated behavior with his wife due to his son’s breast feeding reliance at the age of 4, these families are dealing with some pretty atypical issues. At times you think about how unrealistic these families are, but the laughs and method in which they deal with their problems consume your interest all the same.

The film overall is an enjoyable ride with consistent laughs throughout, you will not be disappointed by the humor factor. It has the added bonus of bringing together a host of Saturday Night Live alumni whose careers have been all but extinct. Tim Meadows, Colin Quinn, Maya Rudolph and others join this hysterical cast to keep the laughter and family camaraderie going. I take issue with the constant usage of David salmSpade as the aging ‘thinks he’s super cool’ loner. It seems every role he portrays, both on film and television, have him typecast in this manner. I also found myself asking why Sandler’s character Lenny who hails from the New England region, seems to be either the most educated man in the region, or one of the area’s most avid sports fans. As the weekend plays out, his clothing becomes advertising for practically every school and team in the area; Boston Red Sox, Harvard University, University of Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Vermont Hockey, University of Connecticut and so on. His wife Roxanne (Salma Hayek – From Dusk Til Dawn) is a world famous fashion designer on her way to Milan before getting derailed into the New England area. She seems awkwardly out of place in this backwoods vacation and her sudden turn as a concerned and doting mother are one of the areas that stretches believability. She and her husband are both multi-millionaires that travel with a nanny for their children. When the opportunity presents itself to be real-world parents they transform from spoiled rich to having the attitudes and concerns of a middle-class family. Don’t look to deep into the makeup of these families and you’ll walk away from this film in stitches it’s got something for the whole family.

“Grown Ups” is rated PG-13 for crude material including suggestive references, language, and some male rear nudity.

Rating: ★★★☆☆ 

Columbia has moved Michel Gondry’s upcoming adaptation of TV’s The Green Hornet back two weeks to accommodate Denni Dugan’s comedy, Grown Ups. Green Hornet will be moving from June 25, 2010 to July 9, 2010 while Grown Ups moves from March 12th to a spiffy new June 15th date.
Columbia is hoping to rake in some cash before the third entry in the tween vampire series, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, drops in to swoon suburban goth girls.
The Green Hornet stars Seth Rogen as newspaper publisher Britt Reid. When not working to save his daily from the evil of the economy, he puts on a green mask and saves damsels.

Fuzzy face.

Dugan’s Grown Ups stars the fabo cast of Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Rob Schneider and the lovely Ms. Salma Hayek. The story is about five best friends from high school who reunite 30 years later on a Fourth of July weekend.

Dugan has also directed Big Daddy and Happy Gilmore.

Thanks to ERC via /Film

Dawson's ready to listen to the animals.

Rosario Dawson is locked up thanks to Happy Madison Productions and others in the female lead of the new romantic comedy, The Zookeeper. Currently Kevin James, recently known for being in surprise hit Paul Blart: Mall Cop, is already set to play the male lead along with Leslie Bibb as one of the supporting characters.

What is it about you might ask? The animals at one particular zoo decide to break their code of silence in order to help their lovable zookeeper gain the attention of one particular woman. At this point I expect for James to be playing the ukulele singing in chimpanzee. Kevin James, Jeff Sussman, Todd Garner and Jennifer Eatz are all taking full on responsibility by being producers for this flick. Kevin James, Jay Scherick, Rock Reuben, Nick Bakay and David Ronn all put together the script, now try to say their names ten times fast. Frank Coraci, director of Click and The Wedding Singer, will be sitting in the director’s chair.

Kevin James in Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Yes friends, it is I…Plus1. I’m back, tan, rested, and ready to do my first movie review of 2009.

In the tradition of great “hostage” movies such as Die Hard, Passenger 57, Under Siege, and Die Hard 2 comes a movie with a lot of heart, a lot of courage, and lots of laughs. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

I have to admit right at the top of this review that I liked this movie, and I’m not a big Kevin James fan. There were quite a few moments in the movie where I had a big ole Simpsons grin going. And I am happy to say that the trailer does not show all the funny scenes.

James plays mall cop Paul Blart, a divorced father living in his mother’s home in New Jersey, raising his teenage daughter, and dreaming of becoming a New Jersey State Trooper. Due to hypoglycemia he can’t seem to pass the final physical exam. So he takes pride in being a mall cop for the local mall – something he’s been doing for the past ten years.

The plot is straight out of the Die Hard handbook – bad guys take over the mall on Black Friday (that’s the Friday after Thanksgiving when all the Christmas sales start, for our non-USA readers) to steal credit card numbers from all of the stores. They take six hostages that happen to be in the bank at the time of their siege. Problem is that one of the hostages is Amy (played by Jayma Mays), the woman that Paul has a crush on.

Paul pledged an oath to protect the mall and everyone inside, so he stays to stop the bad guys and becomes the eyes

and ears for the local police department and SWAT team that have now surrounded the mall. In typical Die Hard fashion, Paul proceeds to remove the bad guys one at a time until it’s just him and the lead villain, played by Keir O’Donnell (from Sons of Anarchy) left at the end.

There are tons of LOL (that’s Laugh Out Loud for you non-text-messaging readers) moments. One such scene, which is shown in the trailers, is where Paul dives behind the mall directory for cover but comes up just a tad short.

The writing of Nick Bakay and Kevin James (both TV guys – Bakay the voice of Salem on “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” and James from “King of Queens”) keeps the flow of the movie going. Because they are both from TV there are a lot of ‘hey, isn’t that that guy from TV show X?’ actors in the movie. Peter Gerety (Homicide: Life on the Street), Bobby Cannavale (Third Watch), and Adam Ferrara (Rescue Me) make up this part of the cast.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop is rated PG for some violence, mild crude humor and suggestive humor. With a run time of 87 minutes you’ll be able to see the move and get your shopping done afterwords.

I give this a

Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆