For the rest of…not so much.  Transformers 3 clatchets its’ way into the box office line up this weekend and analysts are pegging it’s holiday gross as high as $150-200M (from Wednesday to Monday night).  It’s the big July 4^th holiday movie, surrounded only by a meager Tom Hanks/Julia Robert drama-romance vehicle and some teen fodder via pop teen queen Selena Gomez’s new film – surely it can hit that number?  I’m going to say no, and here’s why:

First the story.  T3 picks up about 4 years from the last film.  Although it’s based in current day, it’s premise is rooted in the the past; the true life space race between the Soviets and the US in the 1960’s.  Apparently a strange, and very large, object crashed on the moon and the strong political push by then President John F. Kennedy and subsequently Richard Nixon, to get us on the moon was all about beating the Russians who also had the same intelligence.  When Neil Armstrong and company landed, their mission was truly about reconnaissance not just simple space exploration.  The crew discovers a crashed ship with a giant metal man at the helm proving the existence of life elsewhere (of course we know it’s a transformer, but which one?).  Meanwhile, at present day, the Autobots, led by Optimus Prime, continue their mission of helping the US to police the globe while quietly hunting Decepticons.  Our young hero Sam Witwicky has graduated from the Ivy League institution discretely funded by the US government, and now resides with his new girlfriend Carly in a pretty sweet bungalow on the hopping side of town.  Barred from government Transformer action, he discovers an ivy league education isn’t what it used to be as he struggles with unemployment while continuing to look for that next ‘dare to be great’ opportunity.  After bumbling into a job at a NASA funded thinktank, as of all things a mailboy, he stumbles onto information about a secret plan being hatched by the Decepticons involving the ‘dark side of the moon.’   Turns out, even that ship simply crashing on the moon with an unknown pilot was ‘more than meets the eye!’

Long winded huh?  Little bit?  That’s because this was a long film.  2 hours and 37 minutes to be exact, and that does not include previews.  This was Michael Bay’s ‘Titanic’ opus.  The only thing missing was his signature 360 degree pan-around-body shot (made famous in ‘Bad Boys’, and reused for ‘The Rock’ all the way up to his 2005 dud ‘The Island’).  This epic has to be hands down, some of the best CGI and in-and-out 3D I’ve seen on the big screen.   Even simple movements through traffic were detailed enough to provide 3D in almost every corner.  Some real care was taken in the editing room and you’ll hear all about it next Feb come Oscar time.

The problem is, so many mistakes were made in other places, it overshadows what is just a pure 3D delight (witness the promos of those men flying around the buildings…whooh!)  Let’s start with our hottie du jour Rosie Huntington-Whitely (Victoria Secret model turned actress) who portrays Sam’s love interest Carly.  No one is going to argue that this woman is hot, hey she’s a VS model – we know she’s hot.   But Bay made a similar mistake as he did with Megan Fox (Bad Boys) in the previous films.  Megan was too hot for the films, she overshadowed the cars, she was more of a visual distraction than the cheesy CGI blurs of transformation in the first film.  While Fox was distractingly hot, Whitely is just TOO HOT to be in such an unbelievable relationship.  Granted, Sam saved the world twice and has ‘sacked up’ for the cause, but experiencing a girlfriend like Megan Fox and then followed by a woman who is arguably just as hot, is just too unrealistic.  It’s like hitting the lottery twice for a zillion dollars…3 days apart!  It doesn’t happen.  Topple the pairing with the idea that he’s unemployed and she makes their living as an assistant curator for an eccentric millionaire who, queue the cliché, has a thing for her.  In her defense, I can’t blame her for the role, it’s all Director Michael Bay’s (Meatloaf’s epic music video, I Would Do Anything For Love) doing.  He likes pretty things and they are on display a-plenty here.  Bar scenes, work environments – there isn’t a single unattractive woman…anywhere.   He’ll even lead you to believe that Carly could endure this epic explosion laden, building crashing, high speed running, roof diving adventure all the while sporting 4 inch heels…without missing a step.

Continuing the horrid casting was the voice of Leonard Nimoy (TV’s Star Trek) as Sentinel Prime.  Not that his voice is so bad, and never once did I envision ‘Spock’ in my head as I listened.  Of course, that was all the way up until his robotic entity started spouting old lines from the Star Trek movies (I’m not kidding).  Speaking of voices, somebody chime in and give your thoughts on Optimus Prime’s voice throughout the film.  Call me crazy, but in some areas it almost sounded like a different person.  You can chalk up John Turturro’s (Do The Right Thing) reprisal of Agent Simmons to some really bad box office timing.  Turturro’s voice is currently featured in the new Cars film, and if you’ve seen it recently, hearing his voice and seeing him is going to feel a bit strange.  I kept thinking he was about to jump into an Italian race car and speed away towards the Decepticons.  The icing on the cake belongs to my sweetheart, Frances McDormand (Darkman) who takes a turn as a top level US government Director overseeing the Transformers operation.  Sadly, even she must submit to a storyline that degrades her into being a lovelorn fool trapped inside a grafty and stern exterior.

Adding to the oddities is this concept of ‘robot blood’ which seems new for the series.  For some reason, the filmmakers don’t believe we can grasp the true nature of a deadly blow to a robot unless we see the affected spewing something from their orifices.  And because its robot oil/blood, and not the real thing, it can safely ride a PG-13 rating?

Bottom line, this is a solid 3D vehicle and will definitely give you your money’s worth in that sense, but outside of that, don’t go thinking the promos are ‘more than meets the eye.’  If you want a great display of action and female eye-candy, this is your movie.  If you want a substantial story and a believable plot, you might want to look elsewhere.

3 Stars Out of 5

Transformers, Dark Of The Moon 3D is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, mayhem and destruction, and for language, some sexuality and innuendo.

Generally, I like Michael Bay and will defend the guy when my peers and others claim he’s terrible or one of the worst people alive in the world today. The guy knows what he makes even if he indulges in himself a little too much at times. His films (outside of that bastardization of an attack) never try to be anything more than the sum of their parts, even Armageddon which should never be taken seriously to begin with. Seemingly he’s a perfect fit for the Transformers franchise as the series was always about giant robots kicking the crap out of the other. This theory was proven correct with the first film even if it leaned too much to the side of the humans and not enough on the robots. What it did have though was Steven Spielberg guiding Bay through it to make sure Michael didn’t fly off the handle like had in previous pictures. The result? A solid, if problematic film that reintroduced the Autobots and Decepticons pretty well for a new generation of fans.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen lacks the touch Spielberg had on the first film and definitely feels more “Michael Bay” than the first. Both good and bad are going to come with that so let’s focus on the good parts first. Like the first picture, this film features breathtaking, even groundbreaking visual effects that better earn Bay’s team the Oscar this year that they were unjustly robbed of in 2007. As much as audiences believed a man could fly in 1978, they’ll certainly buy that Spielberg and Bay are keeping the Autobots hidden somewhere in an abandoned Hollywood lot. Understandably, this makes the action take a hit as far as framing is concerned at times. However, it’s likely the already large budget wouldn’t allow for the effects to show off long shots of two robots smacking into the other so, at least here, it’s understandable why things might be shot tighter than usual. Many will disagree, but it doesn’t make the action any less thrilling as we witness a true maestro of entertainment at work. The last time this marriage of effects and sound were so revolutionary was back in 1991 with a little picture called Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

We've been here before, Prime. 1986?

Unlike that film though, Revenge of The Fallen lacks the backbone Cameron’s masterpiece had with it’s story. Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci (also with help from Ethan Kruger), who were forgiven for their numerous plot holes andinconsistencies on Star Trek, will not suffer the same fate here. Yes, it’s Transformers and the script needs to be taken with a grain of salt but they did a decent job of making the first a fun, action romp with a little bit of fat. Like everything else that’s bigger in this movie, Transformers 2 is bloated and could very easily lose a good chunk of it’s filler. The lovey-dovey stuff with Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and Mikaela (Megan Fox) feels very forced like it’s from a poorly written sitcom. Granted Bay has never been one to direct expert character scenes, but when he’s not given much to go by it’s disastrous. The entire, “will they, or won’t they?” when it comes to the pair saying ‘I love you’ is tedious and bogs the film down.

Things get progressively worse when Sam finally makes it to college and Sam’s mother (played by Julie White) “accidentally” eats pot-brownies. Not only is the scene factually incorrect even for the movie’s standards, but it does nothing at all for the plot. Neither does a later scene where both of the parents are kidnapped by the Decepticons and later released. The script does nothing with this subplot and has it happen for the sake of happening. The same philosophy is true for the female Terminator….I mean Decepticon female named Alice (Isabel Lucas). Forgetting that any male in his right mind wouldn’t drop Megan Fox, this character doesn’t affect the plot in any way and should have been left out so the money could have been spent to having more of Optimus whipping some serious ass at the end of the movie. Plus, if you’re going to have The Fallen announce on television that they’re after Sam, what was the point of having the female Deceptinator in the first place?

Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson return as Lennox and Epps who get the most interesting plot of all of the humans. The flick opens even bigger and better than the first with their squad NEST and the Autobots weeding out the Decepticons remaining on Earth. Now the stereotypical government douche who wants to shut everything down is present, but even then these are the films most engaging and best parts. Partially this is due to the humans treating the Autobots as actual characters and not pretty things to stand around. Sadly they get the least screen time in lieu of Sam, Mikaela and a new character named Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) meeting up with Agent Simmons and a robot humping Megan Fox’s leg. That’s right, even the comedy in this film is expanded and often times, it’s juvenile and stupid. Speaking of Simmons, it’s a true to delight to have Turturro’s role expanded in this flick as he was one of the best human characters of the last outing. Also a delight is to see him helping Sam this time instead of making fun of him, as well as seeing he knew more about the Transformers than he let on.

Now’s time to talk about the real stars of the films, the Transformers. Peter Cullen returns as Optimus Prime and as always, he’s the best of the bunch. He also seems to be given more to do as he’s on screen seemingly more than he was in Transformers. The ‘plot’ of the film really does center on him and Bay certainly showcases Prime a lot more than before. If anyone gets shafted the most on time it’s Bumblebee, who all but drops out of the narrative for the climax. He dishes out some beatings as all hell is breaking loose, but most of the time he’s forgotten in the last battle unless Sam calls for him. Ironhide and Ratchet are also hugely reduced and just show up at the beginning, middle and end of the movie when the movie needs them. It’s discouraging considering how prominent they where in the previous flick. The twins, Skids and Mudflap, will either offend or be embraced and there’s no bones about that. They’re true stereotypes and if one can get past that, they’ll find some pretty humorous lines by the pair. Sideswipe is a nice addition even if he just looks pretty and the only female Autobot, Arcee, feels all but useless.

As for the Decepticons, Megatron is brought back to life to wreak more havoc and due battle with Optimus. Starscream joins him and the two continue the banter that they’ve always had throughout the years. The big kahuna here is Devastator, a Constructicon that forms from eight other Decepticons. He’s briefly seen and ultimately feels wasted when we get to his resolution. The other Decepticon making his debut is The Fallen, who is one of the original Transformers in this mythology. He’s after The Matrix of Leadership, which will either bring peace or destroy us all. He gets the most exposition which slows the film down. Yes, he’s big and he’s bad but there’s no need for fifty scenes explaining his origins or why the pyramids are important when we see him in the very beginning. Soundwave makes his big screen debut and they use him perfectly as a satellite that feeds the Decepticons information. Rounding out the main Transformers, Jetfire appears and does most of the talking explaining where The Fallen came from and just like his old stature, bores the audience.

In the end, Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen sets out to be the most epic film in the history of epicness. The visual effects, action, and scenes with the Autobots are the brightest lights in this picture. When the film shifts focus to Sam and Mikaela it falters terribly and loses way too much steam for a good hour before the finale comes to a close. It’s not the fault of Michael Bay so much is it is the terrible screenplay he’s given to work with. It’s full of boring exposition and ridiculous plot holes that you could drive Optimus Prime through. The complaints of the film running too long are legitimate, as the movie could easily lose some of it’s more ridiculous scenes and still have the same effect and above all, feel tighter. However, parts of the film are pure fun and fantastic when the film works. Transformers 2 is what it is, and never tries to be anything more than the sum of it’s epic parts. Next time though, let’s hope the parts are finely tuned and tighter.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆ 

Last night myself along with Melissa attended one of those special screenings for Transformers where they debuted the Revenge of the Fallen trailer and encouraged the audience to come dressed as an Autobot, Decepticon, or just generally show off your Transformer fandom. So, naturally I did the only logical thing: dress up as a Terminator. Aside from a couple of folks, the joke fell flat and I took it off before the first Transformers started.

Anyway, the big spot here was the new Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen trailer that debuted before it’s predecessor and while it’s the same one that made it’s rounds on YouTube, the grainy and crap quality doesn’t do it justice. I’m not even sure watching on the little screen does it justice. The first film was like that, as I saw it a whopping eleven times in theaters but have barely watched the DVD. This has much more story to it and it looks like we’re getting more of Optimus being a beat stick for the Decepticons. Hey, it’s more Autobot vs. Decepticon battle. They also wisely brought back John Turturro for this go- around. Not sure how Bee crying is gonna hold up though.

The trailer is here in glorious HD. Enjoy and get ready for Revenge on June 24.