The good news about 2009 was that it wasn’t as horrendous as some previous years. In fact, when the good films came to us, they were often truly great pieces of work sprinkled with decent efforts in between. Then of course you had those nuggets of crap that would get through the grinder and remind us that bad movies and filmmaking unfortunately still exists. It seemed for every two Hurt Lockers or Inglourious Basterds there was a Post-Grad or Year One that followed it. Or maybe this year, with all it’s great films, made the dookie stink even more than we’re used to. Instead of posting on my Twitter page ninety times a day about how much I don’t like these films, I’m going to take this opportunity to present the Ten Worst Films of 2009:

10. TAKING WOODSTOCK

Horrid, horrid, horrid doesn’t begin to describe this piece of donkey manure. When it’s not being anti-Semitic, the film pummels us with a useless plot about a completely unlikable lead while also not actually being about Woodstock itself. Ang Lee might say he was trying to be artful, but his real goal was punishing his audience for getting political about Brokeback Mountain and absolutely hating The Hulk. Congratulations sir, you’ve accomplished your revenge. The film also randomly goes into split-screen mode, for no reason other than just to do it. The trickery doesn’t serve the story, but it does serve the purpose of killing braincells.

9. POST-GRAD

Y’know what? I’m just going to go easy here and let a scene from Sin City describe how I felt after this atrocity against cinema:

8. YEAR ONE

This movie is legally retarded, even if it tries to tempt us by having Olivia Wilde in it. Michael Cera continues playing Timid Nerd and Jack Black plays Annoying Fat Guy, at least I assume those are their character names as I could care less to remember them. I’d also like to forget this pile of fly excrement that the once solid Harold Ramis bestowed upon us. It took at least three viewings of Ghostbusters to remind one self that Ramis still has some decency left in him, but this one really, really burns the soul. It also causes great worry for the upcoming Ghostbusters 3, as the screenwriters for this picture are rumored to be scripting it.

7. X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

True, I knew going in this was going to poop the bed, and yes expectations for this where as low as you could possibly get. Then an interesting thing happened when the lights dimmed and this movie started for me. Instead of make an honest to goodness decent X-Men film, Gavin Hood made his intentions with this film clear, that he was out to achieve the impossible. Not content with renowned hack Brett Ratner making the worst X film, Hood and his team of clowns sully a franchise that was already reeling. Everyone involved with this film not named Hugh Jackman, Liev Schrieber (who sadly has two films make this list) and Ryan Reynolds needs serious jail time.

6. FAST & FURIOUS

I absolutely hate this franchise, even more than the dreaded Twilight Saga. This has to do with the fact the first film in this sorry, despicable franchise completely steals every beat from my favorite film of all-time and doesn’t even care that it’s doing so. This entry is the least offensive of all four films, and free looks at Jordana Brewster are always welcome which is what’s saving this movie from appearing higher. Regardless, it still has asinine writing, acting, and almost terrible directing. Almost terrible, because Justin Lin seems to at least be giving a modest effort. Shamefully, it won’t be going to a better, more original, less criminal franchise.

5. MISS MARCH

If you’re going to do a comedy about Playboy and the Playboy Mansion, you’d better show what made that magazine famous in the first place. Miss March fails at that, as it does to even evoke any sort of laughs out of anyone with fully functioning common sense. In fact, rumors are swirling that anyone who purchases this DVD or Blu-ray are asked if they’d like a complimentary pistol-whipping or clubbing with a baseball bat. Seventy-two percent of idiots who bought it chose pistol-whipping as it somehow makes them come to their senses about the piece of crap they’ll be injecting into their players.

4. I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER

When a fellow critic is the funniest thing in the movie theater because of the comments he’s making, you know you’re in trouble. Normally, there’s an unwritten rule of critics not making comments during a picture, but dang it if I Love You, Beth Cooper just didn’t ask to be made fun of. One wonders if the film would have been more entertaining if they showed the IMAX version of Avatar on that ginormous forehead of hers, or how many times between takes Paul Rust poked her eye out with his nose. Director/Torture Master Chris Columbus said he wanted to make a “throwback John Hughes film” only failing to realize what made those watchable.

3. ALL ABOUT STEVE

Sandra, oh Sandra. While I didn’t hate it, The Proposal wasn’t my cup of tea but I could understand the appeal of yet another romantic comedy with a suave Ryan Reynolds, so our relationship wasn’t damaged. Then came wind of the terrible accent in a film about a Baltimore Raven in The Blind Side and that’s when problems between us started. And then came this marvel of idiocy, and we were through. This movie is the epitome of everything wrong with comedy, and lets women know it’s ok to stalk a man, even if he’s on the job. Reportedly it was shelved for two years and only saw release when Bradley Cooper’s The Hangover generated good buzz. This is one side-effect that should have stayed forgotten.

2. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON

Pass. Just, pass.

1. JENNIFER’S BODY

Forget that this film is a pure girl power movie, and forget that there were outcries it wasn’t popular because of it. This is just a piss-poorly made film that absolutely deserves to be called the worst film of 2009. This is the one that finally exposes Diablo Cody for the terrible writer that she is and while New Moon promotes domestic abuse, Cody takes it one step further and proclaims that date rape is a wonderful thing and all women should aspire for that. Add to that the horrendous dialoge the film tries to pass off as ‘chic’ coupled with the outright stupidity of almost every plot point and this is a film that doesn’t even want to redeem itself. It’s perfectly content with being the suckfest that it is as it thinks it’s the cool kid on the block. You’re not, as you’re uncompromising douche who needs to just run away from cinema as far as you can.

But wait, there’s actually a film that’s so crappy it’s actually worse than the ten films I’ve listed. It’s just recently been released, which kind of defeats the old proverb “save the best for last.” I present to you…

Does it count because it was direct-to-video? Who cares, but somehow Wrong Turn 3 managed to be decent. This…wow. I don’t think there’s any word in the human, xenomorph, or Na’vi dictionary that describe how horrendous this movie is. Action is poorly framed, the acting just doesn’t exist, and the plot rips off Die Hard just as bad as Fast and the Furious sullied Point Break. Anyone who thinks Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or Land of the Lost is the worst experience known to man has yet to encounter this piece to terrible. Argue with me if you will about what shouldn’t and should be on here, but let’s all agree this trash needs to be taken out and burned.

And that concludes it. Hopefully none of you had to suffer as much as I did this year, and let’s hope 2010 doesn’t bring us anything nearly as horrid. As usual, tell me how wrong I am below.

As an added bonus, who can guess how many 20th Century Fox films made this list? I don’t have a vendetta against them, but they need to fire Tom Rothman and stop putting out crap year after year.

For the first time which in this reporter’s opinion seems to be a long while is a tie for first over this past 4th of July weekend. Dreamworks’ Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs ties up with the robot-clad Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen both coming in with 42.5 million each. The third installment of the Ice Age animated trilogy involves the fuzzy mammoth Manny (Ray Romano) and his wife Ellie (Queen Latifah) expecting, while Sid (John Leguizamo) gets himself into some big time hijinks that even his friend Diego (Dennis Leary) cannot save him out of as they discover a world underneath them of dinosaurs. Even though Ice Age 3 did have a really strong opening, especially on this past holiday weekend, Transformers 2 definitely is starting to loose steam which is most likely coming from the big time negative reviews on the flick.

Also slinking its way into the top three is Michael Mann’s 1930′s gangster drama, based off of true events, Public Enemies. Starring Johnny Depp, Chrisitian Bale and Marion Cotillard, the thrilling dramatic tale took in 26.1 million. With an estimated budget of 80 million, one can easily see this movie make it all back and then some with the fairly positive word of mouth.

Earlier released movies such as The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 and Year One have thrown themselves into bomb status, making this summer movie season evenly matched with overly outstanding pics and ones that just fall straight on their faces. Pelham only scrapped in 58 million total despite its 100 million dollar budget which it does not seem it will make back, along with Year One having 38 million despite its 60 million budget. Enough chit chat, lets take a look at the results below:

Weekend Box Office (July 3-5)

1. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs  ($42.5 Million)
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen  ($42.5 Million)
3. Public Enemies  ($26.1 Million)
4. The Proposal  ($12.7 Million)
5. The Hangover  ($10.4 Million)
6. Disney/Pixar’s Up  ($6.5 Million)
7. My Sister’s Keeper  ($5.2 Million)
8. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3  ($2.5 Million)
9. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian  ($2.1 Million)
10. Year One  ($2.1 Million)
11. Star Trek  ($1.8 Million)
12. Away We Go  ($1.1 Million)

Note: The list is extended due to two ties in total numbers over the weekend

Time to draw out another huge selection of movies with this Friday’s new releases that include I Love You Beth Cooper, Bruno, Blood: The Last Vampire, Soul Power among many others. Keep on going to your local theater fellow movie goers!

The Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock romantic comedy (I don’t care what you say about the genre Sandra) The Proposal topples over its competition during its opening weekend marking its territory in first place. Raking in an estimated 33.6 million, this film caught the right audience, despite the mixed reviews, and still shows that people will never get tired of watching movies from this genre. Tapping into Philip’s weekly piece, The Wrong Guess, he underestimated what The Proposal would end up doing in the box office.

Poor Ryan Reynolds, two big time openings in one summer, boo hoo.

Regarding The Hangover, the comedy behemoth finally resided in second place, still taking a great amount of bank within the realms of 26.7 million. Sorry there Philip, you were really close with your numbers (29 million) but not on the spot. The overall intake now makes it a whopping 152 million, making sure that this Todd Phillips 35 million budget film has plenty of extra cash to spread around.

What’s that you say? There still was another film that was released along with The Proposal? Why yes there was, the Harold Ramis directed comedy called Year One, starring Michael Cera and Jack Black. Making a modest amount around the lines of 19 million (so close!), this film better get more people into it fast if they plan to make back their 60 million dollar budget. Right now it’s not looking too good.

Speaking of not looking good, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (almost there Philip) ended up still flailing about still well below the budget margin possibly deeming it as a flop (money wise). Land of the Lost and Imagine That join the crowd of just-not-enough not showing any sign in sight of any sort of bumps up in sales, especially with one of the summer’s most anticipated movies rolling out into theaters this Wednesday. The rest of the weekend list is below:

Weekend Box Office (June 19-21)

1. The Proposal  ($33.6 Million)
2. The Hangover  ($26.7 Million)
3. Disney/Pixar’s Up  ($23.4 Million)
4. Year One  ($19.6 Million)
5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3  ($12 Million)
6. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian  ($7.8 Million)
7. Star Trek  ($5.5 Million)
8. Land of the Lost  ($4.3 Million)
9. Imagine That  ($3.29 Million)
10. Terminator: Salvation  ($3.28 Million)

Keep yourself pinned here on Atomic Popcorn for the latest wave of releases with the likes of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, Cheri, Il Divo, The Hurt Locker among many others.

Greaaat day in the morning was I off or what last week? I figured the quartet in Vegas would still pound strong but bland do-gooder Ben Stiller is proving to be a bigger juggernaut than originally thought. As far as Eddie Murphy is concerned, he better start seriously moving the ball on Beverly Hills Cop IV as that looks to be the only thing that’ll revive him now. Tony Scott’s latest fiasco was a different story and probably is underperforming. No matter, it’s not like Scott won’t find work somewhere, same goes for Denzel and Travolta. If I’d my own way, everyone would have seen Moon and the world would have been a better place.

This week is the calm before the storm, and that storm is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen which will undoubtedly destroy everything in it’s path. Getting back to the films of the week, the headliner is some Sandra Bullock film called The Proposal. It is what it is, and certainly you could do worse but it’s going to play to it’s audience well enough. It faces competition (if any) from Jack Black and Michael Cera’s new romp Year One which should play well with anyone eight and under. Sadly, it’s not marketed toward them and word of mouth is terrible so this is going to do less than Land of the Lost numbers. The Proposal is surprisingly receiving decent-to-good reviews and since it’s the only date movie out right now, should be a strong opening all things considered.

Yet, I still see The Hangover winning out. It hasn’t dropped off too terribly from last week and it’s sill on everyone’s lips as the comedy to beat, even if most couples will head into The Proposal. Up‘s drop shouldn’t be anything major and will probably round up the last of it’s “big bucks”. Pelham 1 2 3 was overshadowed by Vegas and could possibly have a bigger drop than expected. Night at the Museum 2 MIGHT have this week left in it but with Up playing so well it should finally peter out. Land of the Lost? Yeah, at this point it’s a miracle that film was still in the top five. It’s going to fall, and hard this week. Bring on Optimus!

Predictions below:

BOX OFFICE PREDICTIONS FOR JUNE 19-21, 2009

1. The Hangover $29M
2. The Proposal $28M
3. Up $21M
4. Year One $17M
5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 $14M

Year One wants it’s audience to believe it’s Agent Sands at the end of Once Upon A Time In Mexico. The film blindly fires it’s comedy at us, hoping things will hit us and evoke mountains of laughter. Why shouldn’t it? It’s directed by Harold “Egon” Ramis who’s done some decent comedy directing and is responsible for Ghostbusters and Caddyshack. The movie’s headlined by timid nerd Michael Cera, whom everyone adores, and Jack Black, who can be great when he wants to be. The talent is certainly there to make a fun, if useless, summer comedy. Yet like the aforementioned Sands, Year One misses just about every shot of comedy it unleashes.

Year One is terribly constructed together to the point where Ramis should feel ashamed he took part in it. Scenes start, climax, and then cut to the next scene without finishing the previous joke or giving us a clue as to what occurred. Picture sleeping with the chubby and ugly cheerleader and she leaves right before you both finish. Other, better films are guilty of this as well but they at least have the decency to mention what happened the next scene later. It leads into a point about the editing in this film, which is absolutely atrocious. Pieces are just slopped together, often times without any consistency. For instance, why does Jack Black’s hair change from black to blonde over the course of a scene? Editors Craig Herring and Steve Welch should do community service for what a sloppy job they do on this picture.

Nice, but mine are bigger.

Sloppy though, seems to be the keyword for this picture. The script by Ramis, Gene Stupnitsky, and Lee Eisenberg is full of half-assed ideas that come from a History of the World Part I/Life of Brian double feature. Unlike those films, theirs lacks the consistency both comedy and filmmaking wise to be anything remotely decent. Perhaps they chose to set the film in a prehistoric age because that’s how all of their jokes feel. All of the “laughs” rely on dick and fart jokes which is going to appeal to anyone ten and under. Certainly the film gave me this vibe it was trying to appeal to a young audience but even then, the jokes are almost twenty years too late. Ramis’ direction, unfortunately, doesn’t do anything to elevate the material either. Presumably, he shot what was on page and did simple pointing and shooting. To paraphrase, the man did a lazy job with a sloppy script.

Jack Black and Michael Cera do make for a solid team though and play off of the other well. Likely it’s due to the fact both men are essentially playing themselves in caveman’s clothing. The flick does absolutely nothing to make you accept these two are playing different people other than dress them differently. Black though, seems to be doing a parody of his Po from Kung Fu Panda as he proclaims “I’m the chosen one!” His typical shtick is at play here though, so those turned off by him will find nothing to accept here. Cera tries with his timid nerd act that does work in spots. Seemingly, he’s the only one doing something in favor of the film rather than taking a meh attitude toward it. His low-key take is refreshing when you consider what everyone else in the film is doing.

The biggest of these offenders is not Hank Azaria but Oliver Platt as the High Priest. Normally Platt is enjoyable but here he’s repulsive, and not because his character calls for it. Platt’s character is implied to be gay, since apparently all priests in comedies have to be. Trouble is, it’s annoying, unfunny, and should make said homosexual priests feel ashamed. Azaria’s a different matter, as he interpreted his role of Abraham as Cap’n Abraham of the S.S. Choppin’ Skin. Every line is muttered like a drunken pirate leading one to think Azaria was a Captain Sparrow reject. Unlike his other recent history adventure, Azaria doesn’t bring the film down and does have the best line in the whole film. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is his son Isaac and while it’s impossibly hard to hate the kid, he’s essentially McLovin in different clothes. Vinnie Jones is Vinnie Jones, and Olivia Wilde makes for some really nice eye candy. David Cross portrays Cain and seems to pop in and out when the script needs him, while Paul Rudd feels all but wasted as Abel.

Year One is lazy, unprofessional filmmaking. Ramis is better than this, Apatow is better than this, even Jack Black is better than this. I keep reassuring myself the only reason Ramis did this was so we could get Ghostbusters 3. At the same time, he shouldn’t have succumbed to such a stupid, idiotic and retarded monstrosity of film. Much like it’s premise, Year One should be buried, ancient history when it’s all said and done.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆ 

The Category is Summer Movies

Answer: “Year One”

The Question: Name the movie that is written and directed by Harold Ramis (of “Ghostbusters” and “Stripes” fame), co-produced by Judd Apatow (of “40 Year-old Virgin” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” fame), and stars Jack Black, Michael Cera, Oliver Platt, David Cross, and Hank Azaria.

With talent such as the names I listed above you’d expect “Year One” to be a very funny comedy with non-stop laughs and gut splitting moments. The sad truth is you get a movie that has zero potential, characters we’ve seen before in other movies, and one long running flat joke that never gets any life. I don’t care what other say, I’m going on record as saying that “Year One” is a very lose and poor remake of Mel Brooks 1981 movie entitled “History of the World: Part I”.  Where Mel Brooks was able to have top talent (for that time) and a good script, Ramis and Apatow manage to fall flat on their faces with poor casting and a poor script to work with.  “Year One” is a poor excuse of a movie that never delivers any sort of plot as you are constantly reminded of other movies while watching this one.

Lets start with the two main stars of “Year One.”

Jack Black plays Zed who is an overweight, whimsical, can’t do anything right, kind of guy. He’s doing a job that he isn’t cut out for, that job is being a Hunter for the tribe he is part of, and would rather be off doing greater things. He eats from the Tree of Knowledge, is banned from the village, and goes on to become the chosen one.  Through the whole movie you watch as Zed bumbles his way from one situation to another and manages to get out of said situation by being clumsy or happened to be in the right place at the right time.  Does this character sound like one we saw last Summer? It should as Zed is a live action Kung Fu Panda and both Zed and Panda have similar situations that make them the chose one and help them out at the end. All that was missing was Zed grabbing the main bad guy’s finger and saying “Kadoosh”.

Michael Cera plays Oh who is a skinny, shy, and is not appreciated by the tribe. He likes Zed’s sister Emma (played by the very cute Juno Temple) who doesn’t even acknowledged him when he speaks to her.  Sad to say that Oh is the comic relief to Zed and all the bad things happen to Oh while Zed stands by.  Does this character sound like one we’ve seen before? It should as Oh is Evan from “Superbad” and just like Evan, he has no balls and is a whinny, wimpy guy that gets pushed over by everyone.

Now onto some of the secondary cast. Oliver Platt plays the High Priest who is the mystical predictor for the King played by Xander Berkley. The High Priest is nowhere as funny as Dom DeLuise’s Emperor Nero in “History of the Wold.” But they are basically the same character. Vinnie Jones plays Sargon, the captain of the Roman Guards. The problem here is that it looks as if they really wanted Clive Owens to play this role as Vinnie is  made up to look like Clive Owens. Don’t even get me started on Issac, son of Abraham, being played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse better known as McLovin from “Superbad.” In this movie Issac is McLovin or McLovin is Issac…again it is an actor playing the same character from another movie but with a different set of clothes.

The plot, if you call it that as I sure can’t, is simple…Zed and Oh get forced out of their village because Zed ate from the Tree of Knowledge which is forbidden. During their journey they run into historical biblical figures such as Cain and Able, Abraham and his son Issac, and visit the city of Sodomon. One running joke is that Cain is one step ahead of them after killing his brother Able and both Zed and Oh keep running into him at every stop along the way.

The funniest part of “Year One” didn’t happen anywhere in the movie.  It was the bloopers shown at the start of the credits that most of the audience was laughing at. All this talent and we get a movie that falls flat on its face fast.

Rating: ½☆☆☆☆ 

Need to get yourself a fix of the painfully awkwardly sweet and charming Michael Cera, or the loud and loveable Jack Black? Well your in luck, because these two guys are running out in about during the dawn of time in director and writer Harold Ramis’ latest adventure-comedy romp, Year One.

When a couple of lazy hunter-gatherers are banished from their primitive village, they set off on an epic journey through the ancient world. Hand in hand with Columbia Pictures and Apatow Productions, the early man flick comes out on June 19th, tucking itself away for us all for some summer movie goodness. Check it out:

Keep yourself right here on Atomic Popcorn for more little goodies on this upcoming release and more, you know you want to.

Well we decided to chunk these articles up into two portions so your eyes don’t hurt after reading through all of my recaps. I hope you are all still here with us. Make sure to check out the first one if you arrived here by some twist of internet fate!

We will start back on track with July.

JULY

JULY 1

PUBLIC ENEMIES

I’ve said it before and I will again; cancel the 2009 Oscars as we can give every single award to this masterpiece. Michael Mann is my favorite filmmaker and his style has influenced my own direction and I’ll defend most of the guy’s work (my least favorite being The Keep.) This is going to be the film I see eleven times in theaters and will obliterate every other film that comes out this year. Yes, I’m predestined to love this film because everything I’ve seen leads me to believe Michael Mann has not only invaded our dreams perfectly with Bale and Depp, but is giving us a true work of cinematic greatness that will have it’s poster featured in the hall of the Academy of Science and Motion Pictures. The only movie that needs release after this is The Expendables, then cinema can end.

ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS

Public Enemies. Fox decides to revive a franchise that has been lukewarmly received from audiences and critics alike. Public Enemies. The franchise has always had the cute characters, but it’s lacked what made the Pixar movies special with the heart behind the cuddly li’l guys. Public Enemies. I do have to admit, the trailer did make me laugh but so did the ones for the first two, and I left with the same feelings; decent for kids, meh for adults. Public Enemies. It looks like it’s opening take won’t be strong and it’ll still do battle with Optimus Prime. Public Enemies.

JULY 10

THE HURT LOCKER

I need this movie like rain needs water. Kathryn Bigelow is one of my favorite talents and it’s a shame she’s been forgotten since K-19: The Widowmaker. Word on this has been nothing short of great as it’s tearing up festivals and awards alike. There’s not alot to dislike here as it looks like we’ll have an Iraq war drama finally worth a squirrel fart. If anything, I’m hoping it relaunches Bigelow’s career again like the perfectly awesome Point Break did.

I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER

I’m of the belief you can show an IMAX film on Hayden Panettiere’s forehead. She’s not bad looking, it’s just she has a giant forehead which I assume is her super power on that X-Men ripoff “Heroes”. This looks like it could either way, but it does have original writer Larry Doyle working on the screenplay of his own novel. Really unsure about the timing of this one though as it’s going to be facing competition from Sacha Baron Cohen.

BRUNO

It’s going to be interesting to see how Sacha Baron Cohen replicates the shock reactions he generated with Borat. The sightings have been great and apparently this killed at SXSW. The trailer looks like more of the same, but doesn’t since we’re dealing with a more flamboyant character.

JULY 17

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOODED PRINCE

Just call it Harry Potter and The Biggest Money Maker of the Summer. The Potter films have a wide fanbase and the movies haven’t sucked hard at all. Sure, it took them a while before they finally became good but that’s largely due to the improvements of it’s leading stars. The trailer has been the best they’ve given us but does it really matter for this movie? After what they did with the last film, I’ll be there in IMAX 3-D for this.

JULY 24

THE UGLY TRUTH

Like a few other films being released this summer, this has a pretty predictable ending without seeing so much as a trailer. Gerard Butler had such promise after 300 and while he hasn’t fallen off the map, he seems to be stuck in Romcom Hell. Katherine Heigl continues her string of romcoms as none look to eclipse Knocked Up anytime soon. Both could, should do and know better, but until they realize it, we’re going to be fed films like these.

G-FORCE

Sadly, this isn’t an adaptation of the “Gatchaman” anime series, but essentially a reimagining of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Will Arnett plays agent alongside Nicolas Cage voicingg the leading…animal here and even though Arnett was enjoyable in Monsters Vs. Aliens it’s hard to see how he can elevate the material here. Hopefully the children have wised up since October.

JULY 31 (My Brother’s Birthday)

FUNNY PEOPLE

Apparently, this should be nominated for Oscars as early buzz would suggest. No clue if it’s really that good, but it does have many things going for it. Apatow and Rogen make for a good team, Sandler likes to give solid performances when he’s not making raccooon crap (i.e. -  You Don’t Mess With The Zohan) and Ms. Leslie Mann-Apatow should as always be stupendous. Interesting note is constant Spielberg collaborator Janusz Kaminski is on board for this chances are it’ll be the best looking comedy of the year.

THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS

Ashley Tisdale = Minor interest. Trailer = Interest gone.

AUGUST

AUGUST 7

G.I. JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA

I demand Stephen Sommers to be banned from filmmaking as the man has yet to make a film that resembles decency. When he was announced as director of this film the fun was sucked right out of it and the buzz was shot to hell when the toy photos of Cobra Commander where leaked. I know going with the blue hood was too simple and cool for this film, but no one wanted Jimmy Vulmer. It looks like Wanted, but as long as Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are handled well there shouldn’t be too much whining.

JULIE & JULIA

Amy Adams does her one fun film of the year in May, then comes back to the arthouse with this. Julie Powell steals a page from Diablo Cody and attemps to become a screenwiter. Too bad she couldn’t have found a better director than Nora Ephron (no relation to Zac obviously, although just as talented) who’s last film was the cinematic equivalent of Jack Bauer torture. It does have the presence of two great actresses so it should be ok. Maybe.

SHORTS

Robert Rodriguez returns to working with children in this tale of a boy who finds a multi-colored, wish granting rock. RR’s not a bad filmmaker but his flicks always have the proper amount of cheese that have some form of charm to them. This might be why the Spy Kids films work so well or it’s Rodriguez’s way with child actors. Whatever the case, Shorts should deliver even if it looks borderline Speed Racer.

AUGUST 14

A PERFECT GETAWAY

Riddick creator David Twohy tells this tale of two pairs of lovers who discover they’re being stalked and hunted. Milla Jovovich plays Steve Zahn’s husband in this which isn’t so hard to believe when you consider who she’s really married to (another person who needs to be banned from filmmaking.) Some would say Twohy needs to hang it up too, but he’s better at ideas and not the actual construction of a script.

DISTRICT 9

Rumored Halo director Neil Blomkamp takes on this sci-fi action romp. I’m interested if only because I’ve never seen Neil’s work and he made quite a bit of noise when he was rumored for Halo all those years ago. It also has an interesting premise with the aliens being the hunted and not the hunters. Peter Jackson is behind this as well. Do I smell an exercise for Halo?

FINAL DESTINATION: DEATH TRIP 3-D

Race cars. Horror. 3D. Sounds like a grindhouse film right? No, but that’s what were getting from David R. Ellis in this forth installment of the Final Destination saga. I remember a time when 3-D used to be unique. Now it feels like a gimmick to put asses in seats and along with IMAX specific scenes, seems to be where cinema is headed. In fact, I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MONKEY FIGHTING STUDIOS AND THEIR MONDAY TO FRIDAY GIMMICKS!

THE TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE

Eric Bana will hopefully revive his career this year with this, Funny People, and some science fiction nonsense being released in May. Rachel McAdams is looking to do the same after her great turn in State of Play with this science fiction romance. The premise is intriguing enough and certainly the leads have enough talent to make it work, but will it be more Fountain or more Notebook? Time will tell.

PAPER HEART

No documentary and some narratives look to eclipse Anvil: The Story of Anvil this year but this small feature from Charlyne Yi has been garnered both kinds of good and bad buzz. Michael Cera is in this experiemental documentary that I hope isn’t what some say: lots of vision, very little substance.

AUGUST 21

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS

I may be the only guy in the universe, but I find Quentin Tarantino to be overrated. He’s not bad, but he is not the end-all be-all of crime and cinema like everyone made him out to be (on a side note, what really annoys me is when people say my own work is derivative of his when none of my inspiration comes from him.) Because of my feelings, it made me feel good when Death Proof showed his greatest weakness in it’s true form and everyone came off his high horse. But now we get his “dream” project and while it’s not the case he wants, it still looks deliciously great. Nazi’s for sure will be destroyed gloriously, and Brad Pitt embodies Lee Marvin. If there’s one movie to end the summer, why not this one?

THE POST GRAD SURVIVAL GUIDE

Erm…did we really need this film? It’s relatable for sure, but it appears way too cute for it’s own good and even stars Sara Paxton’s non-sister Alexis Bledel. I just hope this isn’t some post-Juno nonsense that will sniff it’s own ass and pretend to have a lesson. If anything, the casting of Michael Keaton and Carol Burnett gives me some (if very little) hope.

AUGUST 28

H2: HALLOWEEN 2

So the summer ends with Rob Zombie poisoning us to an unwanted sequel to an pointless remake of a classic horror flick. I really, really don’t see the point in this picture much like I don’t think Zombie should let near a camera for a Halloween movie. Sure, rebooting all the horror franchises is necessary because of the continuity errors they all have but let’s at least pay the respects to what came beforehand. These don’t even feel like Halloween films but more like The Devil’s Rejects Feat. Michael Myers. Maybe this will bomb so we’re no longer plagued with Zombie’s Halloween.

And with that, this preview is over. This summer has way too many films that can go either way which means it could be as good as last year, or as hit or miss as 2007.  With that said, here’s the Ten Most Anticipated For Summer 2009:

1. Public Enemies
2. The Hurt Locker
3. Up
4. Moon
5. Terminator Salvation
6. Bruno
7. Funny People
8. Star Trek
9. District 9
10. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

See you at the movies!