The good news about 2009 was that it wasn’t as horrendous as some previous years. In fact, when the good films came to us, they were often truly great pieces of work sprinkled with decent efforts in between. Then of course you had those nuggets of crap that would get through the grinder and remind us that bad movies and filmmaking unfortunately still exists. It seemed for every two Hurt Lockers or Inglourious Basterds there was a Post-Grad or Year One that followed it. Or maybe this year, with all it’s great films, made the dookie stink even more than we’re used to. Instead of posting on my Twitter page ninety times a day about how much I don’t like these films, I’m going to take this opportunity to present the Ten Worst Films of 2009:
10. TAKING WOODSTOCK
Horrid, horrid, horrid doesn’t begin to describe this piece of donkey manure. When it’s not being anti-Semitic, the film pummels us with a useless plot about a completely unlikable lead while also not actually being about Woodstock itself. Ang Lee might say he was trying to be artful, but his real goal was punishing his audience for getting political about Brokeback Mountain and absolutely hating The Hulk. Congratulations sir, you’ve accomplished your revenge. The film also randomly goes into split-screen mode, for no reason other than just to do it. The trickery doesn’t serve the story, but it does serve the purpose of killing braincells.
9. POST-GRAD
Y’know what? I’m just going to go easy here and let a scene from Sin City describe how I felt after this atrocity against cinema:
8. YEAR ONE
This movie is legally retarded, even if it tries to tempt us by having Olivia Wilde in it. Michael Cera continues playing Timid Nerd and Jack Black plays Annoying Fat Guy, at least I assume those are their character names as I could care less to remember them. I’d also like to forget this pile of fly excrement that the once solid Harold Ramis bestowed upon us. It took at least three viewings of Ghostbusters to remind one self that Ramis still has some decency left in him, but this one really, really burns the soul. It also causes great worry for the upcoming Ghostbusters 3, as the screenwriters for this picture are rumored to be scripting it.
7. X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
True, I knew going in this was going to poop the bed, and yes expectations for this where as low as you could possibly get. Then an interesting thing happened when the lights dimmed and this movie started for me. Instead of make an honest to goodness decent X-Men film, Gavin Hood made his intentions with this film clear, that he was out to achieve the impossible. Not content with renowned hack Brett Ratner making the worst X film, Hood and his team of clowns sully a franchise that was already reeling. Everyone involved with this film not named Hugh Jackman, Liev Schrieber (who sadly has two films make this list) and Ryan Reynolds needs serious jail time.
6. FAST & FURIOUS
I absolutely hate this franchise, even more than the dreaded Twilight Saga. This has to do with the fact the first film in this sorry, despicable franchise completely steals every beat from my favorite film of all-time and doesn’t even care that it’s doing so. This entry is the least offensive of all four films, and free looks at Jordana Brewster are always welcome which is what’s saving this movie from appearing higher. Regardless, it still has asinine writing, acting, and almost terrible directing. Almost terrible, because Justin Lin seems to at least be giving a modest effort. Shamefully, it won’t be going to a better, more original, less criminal franchise.
5. MISS MARCH
If you’re going to do a comedy about Playboy and the Playboy Mansion, you’d better show what made that magazine famous in the first place. Miss March fails at that, as it does to even evoke any sort of laughs out of anyone with fully functioning common sense. In fact, rumors are swirling that anyone who purchases this DVD or Blu-ray are asked if they’d like a complimentary pistol-whipping or clubbing with a baseball bat. Seventy-two percent of idiots who bought it chose pistol-whipping as it somehow makes them come to their senses about the piece of crap they’ll be injecting into their players.
4. I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER
When a fellow critic is the funniest thing in the movie theater because of the comments he’s making, you know you’re in trouble. Normally, there’s an unwritten rule of critics not making comments during a picture, but dang it if I Love You, Beth Cooper just didn’t ask to be made fun of. One wonders if the film would have been more entertaining if they showed the IMAX version of Avatar on that ginormous forehead of hers, or how many times between takes Paul Rust poked her eye out with his nose. Director/Torture Master Chris Columbus said he wanted to make a “throwback John Hughes film” only failing to realize what made those watchable.
3. ALL ABOUT STEVE
Sandra, oh Sandra. While I didn’t hate it, The Proposal wasn’t my cup of tea but I could understand the appeal of yet another romantic comedy with a suave Ryan Reynolds, so our relationship wasn’t damaged. Then came wind of the terrible accent in a film about a Baltimore Raven in The Blind Side and that’s when problems between us started. And then came this marvel of idiocy, and we were through. This movie is the epitome of everything wrong with comedy, and lets women know it’s ok to stalk a man, even if he’s on the job. Reportedly it was shelved for two years and only saw release when Bradley Cooper’s The Hangover generated good buzz. This is one side-effect that should have stayed forgotten.
2. THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON
Pass. Just, pass.
1. JENNIFER’S BODY
Forget that this film is a pure girl power movie, and forget that there were outcries it wasn’t popular because of it. This is just a piss-poorly made film that absolutely deserves to be called the worst film of 2009. This is the one that finally exposes Diablo Cody for the terrible writer that she is and while New Moon promotes domestic abuse, Cody takes it one step further and proclaims that date rape is a wonderful thing and all women should aspire for that. Add to that the horrendous dialoge the film tries to pass off as ‘chic’ coupled with the outright stupidity of almost every plot point and this is a film that doesn’t even want to redeem itself. It’s perfectly content with being the suckfest that it is as it thinks it’s the cool kid on the block. You’re not, as you’re uncompromising douche who needs to just run away from cinema as far as you can.
But wait, there’s actually a film that’s so crappy it’s actually worse than the ten films I’ve listed. It’s just recently been released, which kind of defeats the old proverb “save the best for last.” I present to you…
Does it count because it was direct-to-video? Who cares, but somehow Wrong Turn 3 managed to be decent. This…wow. I don’t think there’s any word in the human, xenomorph, or Na’vi dictionary that describe how horrendous this movie is. Action is poorly framed, the acting just doesn’t exist, and the plot rips off Die Hard just as bad as Fast and the Furious sullied Point Break. Anyone who thinks Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or Land of the Lost is the worst experience known to man has yet to encounter this piece to terrible. Argue with me if you will about what shouldn’t and should be on here, but let’s all agree this trash needs to be taken out and burned.
And that concludes it. Hopefully none of you had to suffer as much as I did this year, and let’s hope 2010 doesn’t bring us anything nearly as horrid. As usual, tell me how wrong I am below.
As an added bonus, who can guess how many 20th Century Fox films made this list? I don’t have a vendetta against them, but they need to fire Tom Rothman and stop putting out crap year after year.
I couldn’t agree more with your #1 pick. I had the exact same reaction but I wasn’t able to express my thoughts about all those aspects without a slew of expletives. After 23 minutes I was ashamed I was still watching. I’ll stop there or else I just have nightmares trying to recall any details
hey, I liked wolverine origins. IMO, you need to replace wolverine with Paranormal Activity. that movie raped my eyes and my wallet. what a piece of shit.
Right one w/review of PA – a real POS – I don’t feel as bad as Zack though – I got it free at a Redbox machine
Not that I disagree with most of these films being on the list, you don’t exactly give a plethora of solid factual evidence for why you hate them. You first off barrage Taking Woodstock (not a good film, definitely not the a top 10 worst though) for being anti-semitic? Seriously? because the jewish mother hoards money?
Because not one jewish person or african-american can ever again be portrayed as greedy or eating a slice of watermelon? You can do better than that, and you damn well better if you’re going to take such a haughty unlikeable tone in your article.
The split screens from that movie, by the way, obviously were a reflection on the Woodstock documentary.. I guess you missed that apparent connection in your haste to bolster your opinion.
Wolverine is not a top 10 bad movie either. It went sour quickly, but Reynolds and Schreiber did enough to make it just a poor effort, opposed to the legendary level of horrid upon which you attempt to bestow.
The fact that Year One somehow safely made it to seven on your list is all I need to know about your tastes.. I wanted to shut the movie off 10 minutes in, and barely made it another 17.
And yes, we’re all sick of Twilight, it annoys us to no end, possibly only trumped by Diablo Cody’s annoying dialoge, but I don’t think you can ever trash a 200 million dollar movie simply because you aren’t drinking it’s flavor of kool-aid. There are droves of people who can’t stand Seinfeld, but you don’t see them putting it on a top 10 worst list because they can differentiate between personal taste and public opinion.
I think you needed to see more movies if these are the worst 10 you could come up with.
Matt, I was with you until the comment about Twilight. Specifically, the comparison to Seinfeld.
That was flat out idiotic.
I only know one person over the age of 15 who likes Twilight. She also liked the first Marine movie, if that says anything about her taste. Twilight is utter garbage – I don’t care what it made at the box office. In case you haven’t heard, the box office is not a barometer of how good something is. Just because it’s popular doesn’t mean it’s good. Paris Hilton is popular, that doesn’t mean she’s offered one thing to humanity other than vapidity.
You lost all credibility by even intimating that Twilight isn’t horrible.
It’s not her hoarding money. It’s that they actually show her in a closet, sitting on all the money she was hoarding. No one’s saying to not play on the stereotype, but come on, when show something that it crosses the line.
Ok, so he wanted to reflect the documentary. Why? How does this possibly serve the story in any way?
You badger me about putting YEAR ONE so low, then fail to mention if you actually saw the other six that were above it.
And yes, Wolverine is that bad.
The end of your argument is where you really lose it. You first say ‘we’re all sick of TWILIGHT’ then go on to say ‘you can’t differentiate between personal taste and public opinion.’ Um, this is MY list of the worst of 2009 so therefore it would be personal opinion. If you don’t agree fine, but at least mount a solid argument which you failed in.
I see pretty much everything that comes out, so maybe it’s you who needs to broaden their horizons.
wolverine was pretty damn good. and this is coming from a long tim X-Men fan. yeah, sure deadpool was sacrificed, but the basic screwup of that character got me INTO him, whereas I never really cared for him before. and like I said, PA sucked. Halloween 2 SUCKED. but there nowhere to be found on the list…O_o
I didn’t see PAUL BLART or HALLOWEEN 2, so that’s why they’re not here.
then you obviously didn’t see the worst…halloween 2 was better than PA, but still sucked.
So apparently you haven’t seen pretty much all movies that come out. ^.^
I also think Origins should be left of the list. I too had very low expectations, but the opening credit sequence was amazing, and Hugh and Liev were both great. (I’m obviously ignoring many of the films other ‘features’ such as the concept of an impenetrable metal being able break through the very same impenetrable metal, as I’ve tried to eliminate that from my memory)
I got to see both Year One and Land of the Lost this year at advanced screenings. I’m so glad I didn’t have to pay for these films. Wait…I did pay for it…I had to sit through these two films so others wouldn’t have too. Is it bad that I wanted a refund for a free movie? LOL.
land of the lost was way worse than year one, at least year one had somewhat of a plot
You are waaay too dramatic about Wolverine. Transformers or Terminator were bad, Wolverine was just so-so. That you didn´t like it? Your problem
Where is Paul Balrt: Mall Cop? That would be the worst movie I have seen.. (I cant think of a worse movie..)
Well, I agree with what you wrote, but not with all of it. Regardless, it’s all elxelcent material. Thanks!
well philip Barnett, if you don’t like Twilight then don’t go and see it
problem solved. but I do agree that your entitled to your opinion
oh and i’m over 15 and i like twilight so there is one.
oh wait, are you 15 and a half?
All I have to say it…I love your writing! You are funny, clever, witty and it’s a pleasure to read your work…whomever wrote this article. (I didn’t take note if there was a name) I subscribed but only because I want to read more of your writing…
It’s all a matter of taste.
I liked Wolverine, even though it was not 100% accurate.
Year One was great, too. I guess some people just like Academy Award winning movies about retards that acomplish unbelivable things.
And I like retardet, dumb comedys.
you forgot to mention 2012
I totally agree with T. 2012 was WAY worse than New Moon. People were laughing out loud towards the end in the theatre, and one guy took a nap and then left halfway through.
But spot on for Post Grad.
I’m just going to throw it out there: Knowing.
Worst movie of the year? No.
So horrible it belongs on the list? Most definatly.
K, I don’t know how it didnt make the list but GI Joe was a disgrace to film making. I know a lot of people liked that piece of turd but it deserves to make the list if only for it’s pure stupidity (if not also for its george lucas style of over special effecting). For gods sake at the end of the movie the enemy base is destroyed by chunks of ice sinking from the surface and crushing it. ICE FLOATS, especially in sea water. Enough said.
TAKING WOODSTOCK
Havent seen it but even from the picture you have put i would stay away from it.
POST-GRAD
I completly agree with you there
YEAR ONE
I watched and you are right they would made it better if Olivia Wilde was there all of the time but still horrible.
X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
Now here i dont agree with you. I liked it, i dont know what was so bad about it. Yes not all of it was perfect but i think it was good film.
FAST & FURIOUS
I loved the first movie the second was ok but this was just BORING i love car racing but i hated it this movie I JUST HATE THIS MOVIE.
MISS MARCH
O god dont get me started on this
I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER
This is just washed up the guy gets the girl kill me please i stoped watching it after 20 minutes
ALL ABOUT STEVE
Havent seen it and dont wanna see it
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON
I know why you said pass. Same here and there are more coming lol!!!!!!
JENNIFER’S BODY
I think everyone would agree Megan Fox is hot but that doesnt make really really crappy movie watchable( same as fast & furious)
I looked for worsle movie than the marine 2 well in the past decade i cant remember one that I have watched.
I agree with most of the orginal choices made by the author. However xmen as alright and though new moon was alot better than twilight thanks to jacob–> taylor it was still pretty bad.
By the way Transformers was amazing!! Both Films.
haha, you call yourself a critic. most of the movies on this list are half decent. the only one i truely agree with is twilight. but honestly, if you thought inglouroius basterds was good i cannot take you seriously. that movie was the biggest piece of trash i’ve ever seen.
I thought Taking Woodstock was great. But maybe because that's just my type of movie. DM is my favorite comedian. I thought the acting was great too. Well, at least you thought it was only the tenth worst.
The Happening was THE worst movie ever. There. Crush that one up into a line and snort it.
seriously! 7 out of 11 films from FOX. really shows they have a problem over there…
actually new moon is the best movie as well as twilight.
Great article, I’m regular targeted visitor of this web site, keep up the nice work, and i also will be a typical visitor for the very long time.