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How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?

Are you one of those romantics who buys into it wholeheartedly, anticipating the day so you can lavish your loved one with affection and attention? Maybe you  just enjoy getting caught-up in the kitsch of candy hearts, roses and chocolates? Or are you one of the others, who thinks the holiday is a cheap and shameless ploy by the card companies to cash-in on romantic feeling? Maybe it’s all a scam by couples to make single people feel like crap? Have I hit one of your buttons yet?

Well, if you aren’t in the camp you enjoys the kitsch or wholeheartedly buys into the ethos of the holiday, then you should stay far, far away from Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day. It has been created with a singular, shallow purpose; cash in on the moonstruck miasma already associated with the day.

In fact, I can’t even guarantee that if you like the holiday, you will enjoy the movie. There isn’t a worthwhile character or thoughtful sentiment in the entire thing. Marshall has produced by-the-numbers claptrap before, but this is his epic of empty feeling. A mammoth herd of stars show up and tromp through several vignettes following a variety of people living through February 14th from start to finish.

I was reminded of Richard Curtis’ Love Actually, where a formidable and lively cast portrayed characters living and loving their way through  Christmas.  This movie has little of that one’s charm, and none of its substance and wit. Curtis may have packed his picture full of twee sentiment, but he had the courage of his convictions. The only conviction that V-Day has is the unfortunate belief that a well-placed pop song will cure any flat or tedious scene. There’s alot of music here as a result.

Are there any highlights? Well, if you enjoy seeing actors you recognize playing themselves and vindicating all those cheesy romantic feelings you have always had about the magic of Valentine’s Day, then maybe. Otherwise, there are snippets of humor and flashes of feeling, but they are buried underneath the grueling script which feels more like an airline schedule than a plot, making sure each thread is taking off and landing on time.

Among the cast, I found Jennifer Garner to be the most appealing and likable performer. She’s playing a woman named Julia who is circling potential romantic entanglement with her best bud, Reed, who also happens to run a florist shop on V-Day (how cute). There’s not enough here for her to do anything significant with the character, but she has the energy and the sweetness necessary to make something like this work. Maybe if the film had focused solely on her and Kutcher’s Reed it would have stood a better chance. Instead it throws us Julia Roberts, Hector Elizando, Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, Topher Grace, Patrick Dempsey, Taylor Lautner, Anne Hathaway, Kathy Bates, George Lopez and Queen Latifah. I could have done without the lot of them. Well, ok, we can keep Latifah. She’s also one of the few bright spots.

Valentine’s Day is a movie without a single surprise. If you watch the trailer right now, you will understand everything that wants to be said, and what will happen to all of the characters. You will also know if it’s a movie you will like. If you find yourself rolling your eyes, you’re better off sitting this V-Day out.

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