From the time Whiteout starts ’til the credits role an hour and a half later, you are reminded of three things: Antarctica is cold. It snows a lot in Antarctica. Antarctica is beautiful and deadly because of the cold and snow in Antarctica. From beautiful snowy landscape to deadly swirling snowy landscape, these three things will stay with you the whole movie. They will wow you. They will mesmerize you. They will make you shiver. You will leave the theater knowing that Antarctica is cold, snowy, beautiful and dangerous. And really, apart from a crime show type plot, there’s just not much more to this movie.
Kate Beckinsale (Underworld) plays U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko, who chose to come to “the coldest, most isolated land mass on the planet” for reasons that become clearer as the story progresses. Just as she’s ready to leave the cold, snowy, beautiful, and dangerous land mass behind, a real crime is discovered that keeps her around a little longer. Joined by U.N. cop Robert Price (Gabriel Mecht), base Doc John Fury (Tom Skerritt) and her pilot/buddy named Delfy (Columbus Short), she investigates the death of geologist and the surprising find his team makes.
The film attempts to be suspenseful. The trailer, the snow and the question of whether this has to do with aliens or not leads you to believe you’re in for one big suspense fest. And U.S. Marshall Stetko being chased by a parka hooded bad guy gives some suspense the first time it happens. But then it spirals into lunacy as you struggle to figure out which parka hooded snow blind figures are good and which are bad during a two versus one driving snowstorm pick axe attack. It’s more fun to say it, than watch it.
But wait, that’s not all. There’s more lunacy to be found! One moment our heroes are trapped with nothing but lame dialogue to live for, and the next moment they borrow from old MacGyver maneuvers that leave you wondering just how much reality you’re expected to suspend in their escape. One moment we see people frolicking merrily through the snow in their birthday suits, and the next moment we see people that are dressed that can’t respond to questions because they don’t have coats on. And we see a U.S. Marshall that gets the wool pulled over her eyes in flashbacks, figure out a crime with the barest hint of clues, and find redemption in getting the wool pulled over her eyes again.
I think this could have been a good movie. It had a good premise. A beautiful setting. A sexy lead. And an unusual location. Unfortunately, the whole movie feels like an hour long version of CSI:Antarctica stretched out to 90 minutes to make sure we know how cold, snowy, beautiful and dangerous Antarctica really is.
To say I was hoping for more would be as understated as as saying the the director wants you to think that Antarctica is cold. Antarctica is cold, and snowy and beautiful and dangerous. And this movie is lacking anything that makes you want to care.
Rating: 
